Birdbrains let Woke take wing

The Woke just won’t quit, you’ve got to hand them that much. 

We’ve learned the grammar is racist, and math is racist, now it’s birds.

The horribly racist Wilson’s warbler (Photo: ebirds)

Yes, birds.

Or their names, anyway.

That’s the latest front in the culture wars.

The American Ornithological Society, claiming it was responding to complaints from assholes critics about bird names that are racist, offensive, or named after people (almost all of them being white, God forbid), is going to change the names of some 80 birds. 

Pop Quiz: Don’t be chicken. How many bird species are there?

A- 1,000

B- 5,000

C- 10,000

D- 1 million.

Take your time.

OK? Put your pencils down.

There are at least 10,000 species of birds.  

The American Ornithological Society is going to screw around with change only bird names found in North America, which means the rest of the world can continue to be as racist, and offensive, as they care to be — and that’s plenty, as you will see.

“There is power in a name, and some English bird names have associations with the past that continue to be exclusionary and harmful today,” said nutbag Society President Colleen Handel. “Everyone who loves and cares about birds should be able to enjoy them and study them freely.”

If you feel you have not been able to study and enjoy them freely until now, please raise your hand.

You — in the back.

“I can’t enjoy turkey because it’s $13 a pound.”

I don’t think that’s what Handel was talking about, you silly goose. Also parrots. Let’s not talk about parrots.

Birds to get rebranded renamed include Wilson’s warbler and Wilson’s snipe, both named after 19th century naturalist Alexander Wilson, who was apparently a bad dude.

Audubon’s shearwater, a seabird named after Bird Biggie John James Audubon, will get a new name, because Audubon’s family owned slaves, but the Audubon Society said it would not change its name because it is racist feels its name has become a brand divorced from the unsavory practices of its namesake, which no one knew about anyway.

To support its loony inclusive idea, the birdbrain Society cited this example: In 2020 a Black bird watcher — that’s an African-American man, not a man watching blackbirds (which seems racist) — asked a woman in New York’s Central Park to please obey the law and leash her dog. 

Instead, she dialed 9-1-1 and claimed she was being threatened. 

Well, the good news is the cops charged her with filing a false police report and her employer fired her.

So, from this isolated incident, the Society decided Black bird watchers are threatened.

You know, racism (even when imagined) is terrible, but in the world of birds, there is a universe of offense.

As you remember from our Pop Quiz, there are 10,000 bird species.

I didn’t have time for that, so I combed through the As, pecking for offense. 

It wasn‘t hard to find.

American black duck and black swift, racist.

Bushtit, suggestive.

Coot, ageist.

White pelican, privileged.

Ascension frigate, sounds like the F-word.

Ash-breasted tit, sexy slang.

Blue tit, ditto.

Dusky fly-catcher, racist.

Andean Cock of the Rock, dirty.

Austral blackbird, racist.

Antarctic shag,  slang for doing the deed.

Altai snowcock, racist euphemism.

Amazonian black tyrant, racist.

Can you imagine what I might find under F?

20 thoughts on “Birdbrains let Woke take wing”

  1. What a great idea! Let’s rename anyone whose name is suggestive. For example, Alfred HitchCOCK, WOODY Allen, DICK Tracy, PUSSY Galore, William KUNSTLER, and many others. And Lake TITICACA has to gol While we’re at it, let’s also re-name Colleen Handel: henceforth, Colleen Cuckoo. (The woke idiots are a constant source of amusement.)

  2. This is a wonderful column that brings all sorts of things to mind.
    How about we change BROAD sword, BROADband, TAIL wind What about dog FANCIER? Should we wonder about beastiality?

  3. Funny column, but the whole thing is kinda ridiculous. And I grow weary of having stuff like this described as “woke,” because the very definition of that word should not be associated with such blatant stupidity. I consider myself “woke,” and what that means to me is that I accept all persons for who they are and care about humanity. That’s it. The rest is just bullshit and blather, and stuff like the above does nothing to help the cause of humanity.

    1. The woke are the most hateful group in the country. They hate everyone who disagrees with them. Another group of democrats who are destroying our country. It was a funny column with funny comments until the most intolerant person who post here added his bullshit opinion.

      1. Danny, Is obvious that the most intolerant person who added his bullshit opinion here is you!

  4. I’m surprised that Coockoo Bird didn’t make anyone’s list ( this coming from a guy living on the grounds of the former Byberry Psychiatric Hospital in NE Philly).

  5. From all corners our language is growing, as always, which is great, but being intentionally altered for political and cultural propaganda is not so great. Anyone listen to NPR, speaking of mind altering propaganda language? Here is a composition in the order I heard these words on NPR:

    From the Circumlocution Office of Gardner A. Cadwalader, June 6th 2021
    “To Clarify The Issue!” as Heard on NPR.

    We have been asked to drill down, to come together as a community and talk to you about where you are coming from since we have boots on the ground and can speak experientially and unpack the ideas, widen the lens of the problematic issues at this point in time regarding faith leaders.

    Our process is to empower places of worship, the underserved and underrepresented, black and brown people of color with a just diet, as I am thinking in my head and wrapping my head around it all for me personally with this event process.

    Since, confident of the sex assigned to us at birth, going forward baring a rain event, we need to utilize the community of educators to positively advance food deserts and housing insecurity with affirmative action to win the future seeking systemic justice.

    The clarity of this statement will send a message to those gentlemen murders in jail that lifting themselves out of poverty and achieving equity above the poverty line can be healing, for sure, and for all the community of unhoused people.

    Therefore, let us unpack this connectivity of the vaccine hesitant in real time and punch down with porch pirates so we can gaslight them and speak truth of power.

    And, then we will walk through climate gentrification relating to first responders as we score and also build down carbon emissions.

    Welcome to Main Media Speak!

  6. This was hilarious! Left me with some questions of course:
    1) I am thinking of the cul de sac Shearwater Place off 72nd street where I lived as a child – wondering what that will be renamed to.
    2) That exit off Rt. 422 near Norristown for the town of Audubon – what its new name can be.
    3) But most importantly – since an Eagle is white (a violation in itself nowadays) with a yellow nose (to offend Asians), what will our football team’s new name be?

    1. That’s an easy one, AB, regarding Item #3 – renaming the Eagles. Their new name would be “Injurious.”

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