Continuing a tradition of annual chats with God stretching back two decades (that’s 20 years, Millennials.)
Stu: Anyone home? There’s no one on the throne.
God: (Voice from outside): I’m out in the yard. I’m feeding the animals in the creche. The camel is a real pain. Walk through the blue door.
Stu: I see the blue door. I’m opening it. Hey — it’s the bathroom!
God: (Chuckling) They fall for it every time.
Stu: You’re quite the prankster.
God: This is nothing. Remember when I turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt?
Stu: That was a scream.
God: The Flood, and making that sap Noah fill an ark with animals, remember that? Two by two. What a schmuck.
Stu: That was sick. And not in a good way.
God: Get over it, Sonny,
Stu: For the nth time, don’t call me Sonny. I’m getting close to Moses’ age.
God: Moses? I call him Moishe.
Stu: Interesting.. By the way, what’s your name? God is more of a title, right?
God: Take your pick. Elohim. Adonai. El Shaddai. Yahweh. Tzevaot. Allah. Jehovah.
Stu: Quite a smorgasbord. You have an identity crisis?
God: I’m not even sure of my gender any more.
Stu: You get the pronoun “He.”
God: Not so sure any more. You know John Street?
Stu: We had been adversaries, but now we’re friends. Brilliant guy, but sometimes he’s not hooked up right.
God: What does he tell you about me?
Stu: That you’re a Black female.
God: Bingo! You asked about my name? Shaniquah.
Stu: Get out!
God: Shut up or I’ll hit you with a lightning bolt. Or my handbag.
Stu: OK, you’re a Black chick. Can we move on?
God: Not so fast. How do you think Brittney Griner got out so fast?
Stu: That was you?
God: I don’t like to brag. Sometimes I work quietly, especially for my sisters.
Stu: Don’t speak in tongues.
God: Iranian women are attacking the Islamic regime because those bastards murdered Masha Amini. She is by my side now.
Stu: I understand. Anyone else with you?
God: Queen Elizabeth II. An amazing woman, an amazing reign.
Stu: Anyone not by your side?
God: I look a few years down the road. That bastard Putin will not be in this kingdom.
Stu: He’s going to hell?
God: Hell, Camden, same difference. Look, I’ve got an appointment for a mani pedi. Can we wrap this up?
Stu: Sure, let’s look at local sports. How ‘bout them Phillies?
God: Not to brag.
Stu: That was you?
God: In your heart, you know it was.
Stu: But they didn’t win the World Series.
God: This year. Humility is good for the soul. One championship per year. (Whispers) Fly Eagles Fly!
Stu: Eagles win the Super Bowl?
God: I’m not allowed to say. The wife doesn’t like it.
Stu: The wife? But you said you are a woman.
God: Sshhhh. Don’t go there. Ted Cruz will have a fit.
Stu: I guess we’re done.
God: That’s what Amber Heard said after getting out of Johnny Depp’s bed.
Stu: You didn’t say that!
God: Back to the pranks. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Cheerful Kwanzaa. Happy New Year. See you next year.
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