Once again, a conversation with God

Continuing a tradition of annual chats with God stretching back two decades (that’s 20 years, Millennials.) 

Stu: Anyone home? There’s no one on the throne.

This is what God used to look like (BBC)

God: (Voice from outside): I’m out in the yard. I’m feeding the animals in the creche. The camel is a real pain. Walk through the blue door.

Stu: I see the blue door. I’m opening it. Hey — it’s the bathroom! 

God: (Chuckling) They fall for it every time.

Stu: You’re quite the prankster.

God: This is nothing. Remember when I turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt? 

Stu: That was a scream.

God: The Flood, and making that sap Noah fill an ark with animals, remember that? Two by two. What a schmuck. 

Stu: That was sick. And not in a good way.

God: Get over it, Sonny,

Stu: For the nth time, don’t call me Sonny. I’m getting close to Moses’ age. 

God: Moses? I call him Moishe. 

Stu: Interesting.. By the way, what’s your name? God is more of a title, right?

God: Take your pick. Elohim. Adonai. El Shaddai. Yahweh. Tzevaot. Allah. Jehovah. 

Stu: Quite a smorgasbord. You have an identity crisis?

God: I’m not even sure of my gender any more.

Stu: You get the pronoun “He.”

God: Not so sure any more. You know John Street?

Stu: We had been adversaries, but now we’re friends. Brilliant guy, but sometimes he’s not hooked up right.

God: What does he tell you about me?

Stu: That you’re a Black female.

God: Bingo! You asked about my name? Shaniquah. 

Stu: Get out! 

God: Shut up or I’ll hit you with a lightning bolt. Or my handbag.

Stu: OK, you’re a Black chick. Can we move on?

God: Not so fast. How do you think Brittney Griner got out so fast?

Stu: That was you?

God: I don’t like to brag. Sometimes I work quietly, especially for my sisters.

Stu: Don’t speak in tongues.

God: Iranian women are attacking the Islamic regime because those bastards murdered Masha Amini. She is by my side now. 

Stu: I understand. Anyone else with you?

God: Queen Elizabeth II. An amazing woman, an amazing reign.

Stu: Anyone not by your side?

God: I look a few years down the road. That bastard Putin will not be in this kingdom.

Stu: He’s going to hell?

God: Hell, Camden, same difference. Look, I’ve got an appointment for a mani pedi. Can we wrap this up?

Stu: Sure, let’s look at local sports. How ‘bout them Phillies?

God: Not to brag.

Stu: That was you?

God: In your heart, you know it was.

Stu: But they didn’t win the World Series.

God: This year. Humility is good for the soul. One championship per year. (Whispers) Fly Eagles Fly!

Stu: Eagles win the Super Bowl?

God: I’m not allowed to say. The wife doesn’t like it.

Stu: The wife? But you said you are a woman.

God: Sshhhh. Don’t go there. Ted Cruz will have a fit.

Stu: I guess we’re done. 

God: That’s what Amber Heard said after getting out of Johnny Depp’s bed.

Stu: You didn’t say that!

God: Back to the pranks. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Cheerful Kwanzaa. Happy New Year. See you next year.

6 thoughts on “Once again, a conversation with God”

  1. Very VERY funny! I hate myself for laughing so hard! God loves you…and me…and every person walking the face of the earth. He NEVER walks away from us; we choose to walk away from Him (free will).

    Speaking of Noah, one of the funniest cartoons I ever saw was Noah standing by the Ark as the last two creatures boarded: snails. Noah is pissed and is saying something along the lines of, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you two?!”

    It’s Christmas Eve. My goyishe wishes for peace go out to you Stu.

    Everyone should read this special conversation at least twice. You are sure to miss something the first time.

  3. Sublime, Stu. You make it look easy, and I know it ain’t.
    Stu: He’s going to hell?
    God: Hell, Camden, same difference. Look, I’ve got an appointment for a mani pedi. Can we wrap this up?

Comments are closed.