Leases available at gated community

Memo from Seizem & Squat, Realtor

Since its opening on June 10, what we call Camp JTD has been a jewel in one of Philadelphia’s most desirable neighborhoods. Our exclusive gated community now is announcing expanded, tent-optional rental space for new residents.

What are the benefits to you, in our exclusive gated community? Well, start with no rent. Can you beat that price anywhere else?

This is partly due to our absentee landlord, Mayor Jim Kenney, who often blusters about eviction, but he is as convincing as a TV pitchman hawking products “as seen on TV.” Anyway, he’s quarantined himself after supposedly coming in contact with “someone” with Convid. Or STD. Unbelievable either way.

Other benefits of Camp JTD living? In addition to free rent — free food!

Yes, believe it or not we have a group of stooges (mostly from the suburbs) who truck in food for Camp JTD residents to eat. Which is what Camp JTD residents do when they are not drunk, stoned, molesting, or stabbing each other. We think the people who bring us food are hoping that will keep us from relocating to where they live. They bring toiletries, too, so residents no longer have to shoplift at CVS (in case you wonder why stuff like bodywash is on locked shelves).

Our landlord has been kind enough to set up a long line of portable toilets, but using them is optional, as is wearing masks. Sometimes doing either is just too much trouble. The official motto of Camp JTD is vivamus libero (live free).

In terms of recreation, Camp JTD offers swimming (in nearby fountains), a variety of outdoor gymanstic equipment (some call them trees and benches), and organized sports (such as long-distance urinating, accurate spitting, and syringe tossing) on what had been the Von Colln softball field, which we have seized. (Von Colln was a police officer assassinated while on duty, so isn’t it fun we ban police from our enclosure?) And our hapless landlord lets us do it.

Fucking amazing. (Apologies for the F-word. Sometimes nothing else will do.)

Our landlord has enablers, such as Dennis J. Boylan, president of the Logan Square Neighborhood Association, who you might call a sub landlord. He represents the community we have “adopted.”

After expressing the expected sympathy with our plight, and not a word about our lawless behavior, Boyle says (in an Inquirer op-ed) that the “current camp conditions and the environment… is unsustainable and untenable for all.” He is talking about health, sanitation and safety concerns.

But, at the association’s last meeting, they agreed there should be “a peaceful nonviolent resolution of the encampment.”

You know what that means? It means we stay! Yay! We love liberals.We know we can count on them sucking their thumbs . . . Until one of them gets hurt.

Remember the Minneapolis City Council? Wanted no cops. Then some got threatened and they detailed cops to protect their own sorry asses.

Our soft-hearted and muddle-headed apologists will remain that way until one of them gets hit in the head with a rock.

Anyway, in conclusion, we are obliged to report that Camp JTD offers a Convid- and tobacco-friendly environment, with no running water, except when it rains. Electricity is “borrowed” from nearby city outlets.

Call before coming or you might catch a rock in the head.