Leases available at gated community

Memo from Seizem & Squat, Realtor

Since its opening on June 10, what we call Camp JTD has been a jewel in one of Philadelphia’s most desirable neighborhoods. Our exclusive gated community now is announcing expanded, tent-optional rental space for new residents.

The gated community has closed 22nd street. (Photo: Stu Bykofsky)

What are the benefits to you, in our exclusive gated community? Well, start with no rent. Can you beat that price anywhere else?

This is partly due to our absentee landlord, Mayor Jim Kenney, who often blusters about eviction, but he is as convincing as a TV pitchman hawking products “as seen on TV.” Anyway, he’s quarantined himself after supposedly coming in contact with “someone” with Convid. Or STD. Unbelievable either way.

Other benefits of Camp JTD living? In addition to free rent — free food!

Yes, believe it or not we have a group of stooges (mostly from the suburbs) who truck in food for Camp JTD residents to eat. Which is what Camp JTD residents do when they are not drunk, stoned, molesting, or stabbing each other. We think the people who bring us food are hoping that will keep us from relocating to where they live. They bring toiletries, too, so residents no longer have to shoplift at CVS (in case you wonder why stuff like bodywash is on locked shelves).

Our landlord has been kind enough to set up a long line of portable toilets, but using them is optional, as is wearing masks. Sometimes doing either is just too much trouble. The official motto of Camp JTD is vivamus libero (live free).

In terms of recreation, Camp JTD offers swimming (in nearby fountains), a variety of outdoor gymanstic equipment (some call them trees and benches), and organized sports (such as long-distance urinating, accurate spitting, and syringe tossing) on what had been the Von Colln softball field, which we have seized. (Von Colln was a police officer assassinated while on duty, so isn’t it fun we ban police from our enclosure?) And our hapless landlord lets us do it.

Fucking amazing. (Apologies for the F-word. Sometimes nothing else will do.)

Our landlord has enablers, such as Dennis J. Boylan, president of the Logan Square Neighborhood Association, who you might call a sub landlord. He represents the community we have “adopted.”

After expressing the expected sympathy with our plight, and not a word about our lawless behavior, Boyle says (in an Inquirer op-ed) that the “current camp conditions and the environment… is unsustainable and untenable for all.” He is talking about health, sanitation and safety concerns.

But, at the association’s last meeting, they agreed there should be “a peaceful nonviolent resolution of the encampment.”

You know what that means? It means we stay! Yay! We love liberals.We know we can count on them sucking their thumbs . . . Until one of them gets hurt.

Remember the Minneapolis City Council? Wanted no cops. Then some got threatened and they detailed cops to protect their own sorry asses.

Our soft-hearted and muddle-headed apologists will remain that way until one of them gets hit in the head with a rock.

Anyway, in conclusion, we are obliged to report that Camp JTD offers a Convid- and tobacco-friendly environment, with no running water, except when it rains. Electricity is “borrowed” from nearby city outlets.

Call before coming or you might catch a rock in the head.


13 thoughts on “Leases available at gated community”

  1. You describe accurately the sorry state of this country today.This is not the country I grew up in.If Law & Order does not return soon the 244 year run of this country is finished.We are closer to a second civil war that people want to believe.Maybe you can answer this, what are the motives of these mostly white liberal/anarchists.Are they so stupid they do not realize if the Dems win everything on 11-3-20 the mob is going to eventually turn on them?That is the anarchist playbook.Destroy,destroy,destroy with no plan for the future.They claim they are for racial justice but that is a load of crap.They could care less.It is an excuse to loot,burn,rob,assault and destroy.They must start putting them in JAIL where the thugs and animals belong.

    1. Democrats are not anarchists, at least not deliberately. Problem is too much sympathy and too little demand for personal responsibility, which leads to stuff like Camp JTD, and “safe” injection sites.

  2. Just to let you know. There is a double sink on the corner of circle. It drains via pipe into a storm drain. Incoming water is rigged via hose connected to public water fountain around the corner. This set up entailed running a blue garden hose overhead across sidewalk to a pole nwasher and dryerear said water fountain to access the fountain water will esupply line. Next time I go past I expec to see a washer and dryer. That will eliminate the clothes drying on lines as most upscale developments frown on old fashioned clothesline drying. Neighbors don’t want to see undies when looking out their high priced windows.

  3. Despite the HOA fees and the taxes I pay for living in my SW Florida development, I get none of the amenities that Camp JTD offers. I’m coming back to the city where I started to apply for residency at this Shangri-La. 🙂

  4. “And, you are there!” Remember that line from Walter Cronkite? Well, Stu, you were so descriptive (and colorful), that’s how I felt.

    Now may I use the term “Captain Obvious”? (You properly chided me on the use of this expression way back when). At least as it applies to the Mayor. One can’t really call him “Hizzoner,” since he has none.

  5. This is a great piece. A classic. Magnificent satire. Got me thinking back to my bachelor-pad days back in the mid-70’s, the Carter years. Didn’t have two nickels to rub together, but found the dough to have the great “National Lampoon” delivered monthly. Then, got me thinking deeper. Man, was I broke, but somehow found the money to pay the rent, as well. All legit. And I’m still standing. I’ve a feeling that just maybe I/we may have had it just a tad rougher than these sad, lazy, repugnant slugs loitering down there at 22nd and the Parkway, laying around in tax-payer grass not unlike a sea of dog-droppings, waiting for Jim Kenney, Helen Gym, or that Cheri Honkala from Minnesota to peel them a grape. I say to the three aforementioned “enablers” to get out there and earn your ample salaries provided by those of my ilk: law-abiding, tax-paying, legitimate Philadelphia citizens. Clean up after your dogs!

    1. Some homeless bring it on themselves through bad behavior (drugs, drink), some have bad health or bad luck. I am for helping them, but they do not get to dictate the terms. I don’t believe in white privilege and I don’t believe in poverty privilege.

  6. WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This article is really FANTASTIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You hit the mark with every point you made.

    I got a kick out of the people bringing them food. Notice they aren’t inviting them to their houses for dinner.

    There was a time about 5 years ago when I was working with 2 really down and out men. After a while they really wear on you. Finally one died and the other one is now in a home, They weren’t bad guys. Had mental problems.

    A whole encampment is something most middle class libs could neveer understand.

    Better they stay there than relocate in South Philly, Ha Ha

    Together with the businesses destroyed parts of Philly are 3rd world.

    The voters of Philly deserve this. Kenney and Krasner didn’t appoint themselves mayor and da. The dems voted for them.And they gave us outlaw. The sad part is Kenney’s first opponent was good.

  7. HAPPY THURSDAY !!!
    Stu,
    How in the world, do you manage to keep your sanity in a cesspool, such as “FILTHYDELPHIA” ?!? Why doesn’t the good people of this famous, once beautiful and adored city, gather in peaceful protest ? Why do they not start a recall? Why do they hide behind their locked doors and pray that this nightmare will go away ? WHY ?!?
    You, my pallie, presented a workable solution months ago. I would have thought ( dreamed ) that some politician of power would have took it to a caucus. In a real brainstorming moment, a plan could have – should have – been presented to Mayor hide away.
    This problem is not going away. Just like an infection of the body. The infection will only get worse, if left untreated. Untreated, you will die. So goes the city.
    Tony

  8. I have been a resident of the Logan Square neighborhood for almost 40 years. Several of my neighbors have decided to put our homes up for sale due to the encampment on the Parkway, as well as, recent events in this city. So very depressing auto see what is happening to this neighborhood that I love.

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