Virus: It’s time for a miracle

President Donald J. Trump had a dream, a beautiful dream, that somehow the World War III we are fighting would end within weeks so that churches would be “packed’ for Easter. “One day it will disappear,” he said of the plague.

(And homes could be packed for Passover a few days earlier, he did not say. But that’s OK. I’m not picking a fight.)

Grand Master Fauci gently cautioned his boss that there is little chance the coronavirus plague will abate before Easter.

On Sunday, Trump backed off his Easter Sunday comment, saying it was “aspirational,” a new word for him. He knows being over COVID-19 by Easter would take a miracle.

OK, let’s go with that, in our imagination. A miracle.

You wake up on Easter morning and you hear a voice say, “It is over. You can go to church. COVID-19 is gone, cleansed from the entire earth. And all who died from it have been resurrected.”

Let’s say we all heard that, and it was true.

How would it affect Christians? Jews? Moslems? Buddhists? Democrats? Republicans? Libertarians? Whites? Blacks? Hispanics? Asians? Poor? Rich? The New York Times? Medical professionals? Used car dealers?

It has been a long time since we had a genuine miracle. We are so overdue it’s no wonder there’s a lack of faith. Wouldn’t this be a great time for Jesus to step into our lives?

My reaction if it were to happen? I guess I’d remind Jesus he is Jewish, like me, but I’d think about converting. Not to Catholicism, it asks too much. If I couldn’t manage being an observant Jew, I’d make a cafeteria Catholic at best.

Presbyterianism seems nice and mild. It’s called the religion of presidents. Why not?

After the miracle, I imagine all houses of worship would be packed, and scientists would try to explain the inexplicable. The honest ones would shrug and say, “It’s a miracle. So sue me.”

Then, someone like annoying atheist Ron Reagan Jr. — the one who does TV commercials mocking religion — says, “If you are God, Jesus, show us another miracle. Make all fossil fuel as clean as wind power.”

A voice we all hear replies: “I have just sent that Reagan brat straight to hell. Anyone else want a second miracle? Speak up, don’t be shy. Lucifer is holding a place for you.”

No one asks for a second miracle.

The voice says, “You know, I’ve had about enough of you lot. Right from that fracas in the Garden of Eden, I suspected you weren’t quite right, not really ready for me to take off the training wheels.”

Humanity  takes a deep breath. 

“One of my prophets gave you the rules of road, just a simple 10 Commandments, one for each finger. Was that too much to ask?

“It seems it was,” the voice says. “I can see free will was a big mistake, so that is now cancelled. I gave you free will and you started murdering each other, sometimes in my name.

“Getoutahere. No mas. You act like goats, I will treat you like sheep.”

Humanity goes “Baa, baa.”

“That’s better,” says the voice.

“There’s a new sheriff in town. No more wars, no more child molesting, no more back talk, no more dog tracks, no more astrology, no ‘safe’ injection sites. ‘Safe?’ Are you freaking cray cray? No more drugs — you get wine, that’s it!”

Humanity murmurs.

“You want drugs? Lucifer has drugs,” the voice says. “Want to go to him? Show me a hand.”

“Baa, baa,” he hears.

“Thought so. Here’s another change: You 1 percenters? Give it up. You will share with the poor. Don’t worry about your yachts. I sunk them.”

Suddenly, the sun dims to almost dark, then returns to full golden brilliance.

“Scary,” the voice says, “right? Just a warning. I can do this all day long with a twitch.

“OK, that’s it. As you were. See you in church next Sunday, right?


“Baa, baa.”

28 thoughts on “Virus: It’s time for a miracle”

  1. Denominational partition is an invention of man. However, my Irish aunt thought that the words protestant and prostitute were interchangeable. We all could now use some divine intervention.

    Your annual Christmas message from “above” is a little early, but most welcomed . A long time ago, a buddy (jewish) said to me, while we were discussing religion,” my family is mostly orthodox. I consider myself a reformed jew. If I was any more reformed, I’ld be a christian.” Why not catholic, I ask? Too many rules, buddy said. But the guys ( priests) likw their bling.

  3. Stu:

    Great article. I can’t help but wonder if the Lord is not giving everyone a time out.

    Stay safe.

  4. The world could use a miracle. Of course if we all followed the 10 commandments (a miracle by it self) and respected animal life the world would be a better place and that alone would be a miricle

  5. Hi Stu,
    I really enjoyed your post. It spoke satirically
    to my genuine thoughts. I am Catholic, spending 16 years in Catholic school. We were taught to be good and kind, to love everyone, to include everyone, to help each other without judgement.

    Disillusionment arrived after graduation in the form of hatred, exclusion, judgement and hypocrisy.
    I was blindsided, maybe God is too. I’m praying
    for that miracle.

    Godspeed to all of us

  6. Well said little one. But keep in mind that not all miracles are big and loud and make headlines. Neighbors reaching out and checking on and helping neighbors; many of those one percenters you referred to have opened their wallets and their know how and two fully equipped floating hospitals set up shop in New York City and Los Angeles. Both are staffed with young (and not so young) men and women who have volunteered to serve and not be served. Miracles are happening all over — just look for them.

    BOY ! Did we ever digress . Everyone is calling “helping neighbors” a miracle. Were we all saints (HA ! ) back in the ’50s & ’60s as we were growing up? It was what we were taught . We learned the ten commandments in school. We lived them, as much as possible, at home. Sure, Lucifer popped up now and then, but we always helped our neighbors. When I was back living in the city, I would shovel or blow the snow from my neighbors sidewalk. Front & back. Then I would jump in my jeep and go do my friends and family. ‘Cause that’s how we were taught.
    I also said before, that disease and war is how man curbs the population. Neither of those two methods differentiate between the good, bad, ugly, etc. Everyone is either fair game or fodder.

    1. Tony,
      Do you remember? that the good nuns
      back then would be considered sexists (or sadists) today? The boys always got the ‘sh***y end of the stick.’

      1. Tony,
        I clearly remember the good nuns years ago smacking boys for minor infractions.
        Forget to skip lines in copybooks,
        smack! Hair 1/18 of an inch below the collar, smack.
        Priestly pals would then compensate, offering the boys affable camaraderie.


        1. Cindy, Tom;
          #2 wife took me to see” do patent leather shoes reflect up”. It was at a tiny theatre downtown. We sat center, front row. Somehow the cast figured out that poor Debby was a ‘PUBLIC’ (protestant). They were all over her, as every one ( & me ) laughed our heads off. It got to the point were my wife was so humiliated, that she ran out of the theater crying. I had a hard time convincing her that it was only a show ( as I kept laughing ).
          Another time, I’ll tell you about “dangling participles”. ( Stu, take note )

  8. The Devil Went Down to Georgia—after traveling to New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, D.C., Virginia, North Carolina, and South Carolina. He’s in Florida now, knocking on my door.

  9. Stu,
    Very good reading…thanks…I needed it. And apparently the two dobermen across the yard agree. They smiled, I think, when I called to them.

  10. A miracle is an action outside of natural law… like if the sun rose in the west and set in the east. The Bible is full of miracles — Old Testament and New Testament alike (or as my Jewish friend of Portuguese descent insists on calling it, ‘the Sequel’). People of all faiths helping people of all faiths is NOT a miracle, but it surely is very special. When the dust has settled (as it eventually will) most humans will go back to being…human again. After all, we are fallen creatures. But thanks for the column, Stu. Uplifting.

  11. Thanks and on the money as always. Miracles sound great to me. But I will have to talk to Jesus about those dang burn Bike Lanes

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