Some people think some topics are too serious to joke about.
I don’t agree. I think any subject can be satirized or mocked, even coronavirus/covid-19/China Virus, whatever you want to call it.
However, one thing I learned during my 60-year print career is there are limits. You avoid mocking death itself, or the victim. That’s why journalists have editors.
I will admit to a double standard. I am much more liberal about memes and jokes I post on Facebook. Those I find funny are usually authored by someone else. They are often political and I make fun of both sides because I am a middlest, I am tied to no political party. I particularly like jokes that attack stupidity or hypocrisy. Almost anything goes.
However, I am more circumspect about what I post in my own column under my own name. I am my own editor, but I run my stuff past Half-Pint, my loving girlfriend. She warns if I cross a line and I almost always listen to her.
So what we have here are a collection of jokes and memes culled from the internet that I find acceptable in week 2 of what I call The Great Isolation.
Humor, as I warn, is subjective. Everyone is different and if you don’t like some of these, turn the page or post a blistering comment. Generally speaking, I fall on the side of maximum freedom of expression, even with jokes. I will credit when I know the author.
***
I just went out for a walk. Things are so bad, my shadow stayed 6 feet from me. – Howie Fox.
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people. – Conan O’Brien.
Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….
So I guess this is what it’s like being a monk … Except with pizza and Netflix. – Carol Leifer.
Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.
I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centers and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.
Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.
What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.
How long before Purell costs more per barrel than oil? – Paul Provenza.
You know what they’re saying about 2020? It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst kase scenario.
Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.
What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.
The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.
So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.
With nothing on (no sports, late night shows), I ended up watching HGTV which is the same as being in coronavirus isolation. – Doug Ankerman.
Currently the worst job: census taker. – Howie Fox
I wanted zombies, not this.
Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.
Finally introverts experience a world that is suited for us. All events are cancelled. — Chun E.
A guy wearing a mask walks into the bank and you are relieved because he’s only robbing the place.
This is great for Jehovah Witnesses. They know everyone is home.
Panhandlers are asking you to toss your loose change to them.
Pass along the ones you like.
HAPPY SUNDAY !!!
Stu,
1) I kept waiting for the rim shot from the drummer, a la Johnny Carson
2) Do you hear the hound braying at the moon ( or bad jokes ) ?
3) Pallie, you have to get out more. Go mingle ( 6′ spacing, please )
4) then there was………………………..
Tony
Middlest. I’m stealing that one 😂🤣. Thanks for the laughs Stu
I thought I had invented that word, but, nope, it exists.
We all needed this! Thanks Stu as always for the wit. 😎
You are welcome.
So far I don’t get it??
Why did the newlyweds cancel their honeymoon?
It was on a ‘Slow Boat to China.’
You found some good ones Stu! First, regarding your philosophy during this serious time…two quotes”
“Some days we need a little brevity and laughter.”
“Laughter is the best medicine.”
Pretty much what I subscribe too as well. I have been getting a ton of these virus related jokes via email this week, and I have seen a “bad” one yet. Here are some:
“To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough. They lied. Everybody else had clothes on.”
“We thought we’d have flying cars by 2020. But no….here we are teaching people how to wash their hands.”
“This virus must be wrecking India. I haven’t gotten one phone call in 3 days about by extended car warranty.”
“I love Texans. We’re all freaking out about the Coronavirus, but they have never hesitated to buy tamales out of the back of a car.”
“How come the liquor stores don’t have empty shelves? Are people not realizing they will be quarantined with their spouses and kids?”
“CRITICAL ADVISORY: 8pm is now the official time to remove your day pajamas and to put your night pajamas on.”
“Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.”
And finally….
“This is it. The day your dogs have been waiting for. The day they realize their owners can’t leave the house, and they get you 24/7. Dogs are rejoicing everywhere! Cats are contemplating suicide.”
Hey – they kept this household in good laughter for an afternoon at least!
BTW – meant to say “…I haven’t seen a bad one yet.”
Thanks for the adds.
The three current diseases that spread by mouth:
The Flu
The Coronavirus
Trump Derangement Syndrome
(TDS can also be blinding).
Stu, a good belly laugh is an antidote for misery. Great column, thanks. (And some of the jokes your readers contributed are also a hoot!)
Happy to do it.
“What’s the big deal?” said the 2000 year old man. “Yeah,” replied George Burns.
Tom, I assume you meant to say that Mel Brooks is the 2000 year old man?
Randy
No, that’s to obvious. And
George Burns is God in a movie.
Tom
“I’m in a New York State of Mind?”
Too edgy? I suppose, but laughter helps in a crowded stuck elevator! (The last place that I would want to be now).
At noon, today, Sunday, I will turn on EWTN and watch the Mass, from Our Lady of the Angels Chapel in Arkansas. If you’ve never watched a Mass, now would be a perfect time! What else do you have to do? JUST PRAYING.
Tom
Too much happy, time for the same old same old:
We are in this together
six feet apart
Yes, we will slay the dragon
even with its head start
We are in this together
though so sorry to say
Remember that September?
We forgot and went astray
I misspoke! We are not in this together!! Pelosi is one of many blinded by her political power, and disdain for Trump. I accepted Obama two days after his reelection because I believe in America! She, and many others believe in only themselves.
But we will get through despite her kind. Fr
HAPPY SUNDAY !!!
Tom,
I’m with you, brother. We were taught respect, etc way back when. When Barack Obama was President, I never ( out loud ) made negative comments. Respect the office if not the man. These low-lifes with so much hate in their being are completely unfathomable ! Most of these people are nothing more than parrots. They haven’t had a real thought on anything in who knows how long.
Tony
So true and thank you good friend.
Tom
Two women talking. One says, “I’m social distancing my husband. I divorced him.”
Everything is funny, as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
On Friday I got a virus from a mis-fortune cookie.
Tom – so right on that Will Rogers quote!
Good one. Did you hear that on anti-social media?
What a great way to get happy. Thanks.
Happy to do it.
“I never met a man I didn’t like — until I met Will Rogers.” — Dale Carengie
I heard someone say two weeks ago, paraphrasing “The Greatest Generation (kids!) left their homes to fight a enemy across the Atlantic. All that is asked of us, is to stay home!” I think I can handle that, if I stay “foused.” Thank you Tony!
One other thing. Where would we be under Hillary? Under a Hillary economy?
Tom
we’ld be in deep “ga-ga” !
HAPPY FRIDAY !!!
this just came today. All of my hospital stays and I never thought of this one……………..
Tony
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
“Are – my – test – results – back?”