Virus: A topic no one wants to touch

For more than a week, I have been writing daily on different angles of the coronavirus story, or World War III, as I have been calling it.

How to ration your toilet paper

There’s one angle I have not covered, hoping there would always be something more fragrant. It’s a topic I do not want to touch, and many of you might not wish to read. But I must roll it out.

Since some clowns are hoarding it, what happens if you run out of toilet paper? 

Yes, I am going to go there.

Of all the things to hoard — that? Great Scott!

WTF is wrong with (some of) you? I’d like to wipe the floor with you. 

Toilet paper — known as TP to its friends — is essential to life. How do I know that? Because Gov. Tom Wolf decreed that when exempting a TP manufacturer from having to shut down during the coronavirus crisis. 

Well, that’s a relief. Just Charmin.

Any American alive today — with the exception of some ancients who lived deep in rural areas — always had toilet paper. The people who lived deep in the hollers, as they would say, had leaves, bark, corn cobs and the thick Sears, Roebuck merchandise catalogue that reached everywhere in America.

Yes, I did say corn cobs. Think about it. Sustainability.

I am writing about some solutions to sanitation that modern Americans may have forgotten, or never known, before we had TP. Let me take a crack at it. 

Let’s say you are running out, down to your last few sheets. Praying for constipation would be a temporary fix. Eventually, there would be an explosion.

That’s when you’re sorry you don’t subscribe to the Daily News or Inquirer. Yes, I know some of you like to say the only thing they’re good for is to wipe your ass. Turns out you are right. (You know newsprint is great at cleaning glass and windows, too.) 

So that is Level One. While it is not as soft as your delicate derriere has grown used to, it beats brown craft paper and glossy magazines. 

Look around your home for Level Two. Paper towels will work, but you’d prefer the thinnest ones for this duty. Napkins. Junk mail, there’s an endless supply. Lots coming now from Publishers’ Clearing House. 

Even the so-called single-use plastic bags from the grocery. (I know, but these are desperate times and that’s what a lot of dog owners use to pick up the poop.)

At Level Three, you can use any of a variety of wipes, such as baby wipes, or even fabric.

Ewww. I know, I know but that’s what an old-fashioned diaper was — fabric that would be laundered. Am I wrong? 

Level Four is American currency, but I do not recommend it. 

American Victor Herman, in a book titled, “The Gray People,” wrote about his experiences as a captive in the Soviet Gulag. He detailed various forms of torture, starvation, and mistreatment, including no toilet paper for the inmates.

I won’t go into detail. 

We are not in the Gulag. Look around your home — it’s rich in what you need for relief.

Damn the hoarders, let them roll in their TP. 

25 thoughts on “Virus: A topic no one wants to touch”

  1. ROTFLMO, although I figured you’d have more than just a 4 or 5 step program, what with your personal knowledge of the subject and your gift of prose. You also forgot to mention the TP Nazi. Been running into several of them over the past 2 weeks. Nasty creatures, considering my family is not hoarding. It’s not the bug so much that will kill this country, it will be the lack of TP due to the hoarders. May they stew in their own putrid poop stew.

  2. Very funny, but sad. The shelves were still empty yesterday at our local supermarket. Some people stink. Some are full of it. They are the nice ones.
    Used softener sheets. They’re fragrant, too.
    Can we flush all this crap?
    Thanks Stu

    from Port Richmond in the ’50s:
    “In days of old, when knights were bold
    and toilets weren’t invented, they took a crap
    along the road and went away contended…………”

    In spite of that crappy literature piece, read “Babylon Bee” and “The Patriot” for more humor and shots at everyone .

      1. Stu in Federal they gave you 4 rolls a month. You could buy more add the commissary If you
        had, money on your books. It was John Wayne TP. It was TOUGH AND IT TOOK NO SHIT!

        RICK M

  4. So much better than the 💩 going on in politics these days. Thanks for the tips Stu. All of my Plumber friends are knee deep in this 💩 Because everyone is flushing. I knew I could count on you for a laugh

    1. George – while in high school and college back in the late 60’s/early 70’s, I worked for a plumber based in Camden (yeah, I’m a Jersey Boy). Learned a lot from him about plumbing, HVAC, fuel oil delivery – and got paid for it too! For years, I tried to get him to add the word “Drain Surgeon” to his trucks, since that was good part of his biz. He fought me on that one, telling me that we “already know our s—“.

  5. There’s always the New York Times or the Inquirer. That’s like toilet paper delivered to your front door!
    Then, start tearing pages out of books lying around the house. Where there’s a will there’s a wipe.

      1. Very good Vince!
        A little pinch between the cheeks will do when in a rush or there is always the shower curtain!

        1. I couldn’t find the cartoon from, I think, Babylon Bee. Picture a lawn chair with the center of the seat cut out. Place a lawn sprinkler under the seat. Definitely a crude variation on a bidet…..BUTT !

  6. Thanks for your wit on this topic. I’ve had funny emails sent around with photos on the subject, sorry I can put them here. One was a St Bernard with a roll of TP tied around its neck instead of a mini-keg! Four dogs, ready to the rescue!! Another was a sign on a door from a woman advertising she had x number rolls of Charmin, looking for a man with hand sanitizer and wine!!
    Me? I stocked up before winter in case of a lot of snow storms kept me in. I have plenty still!

    1. Reminds me of the cartoon of the stranded skier. He sees a St. Bernard with a keg around its neck and says, “Here comes man’s best friend! And a dog!”

  7. sorry i can’t put them here. forgot the negative.
    one possible reason for the run on TP is that whole families are suddenly at home all day, using it faster!

    1. Sandra,
      one most probable reason for the shortage, is that as Stu pointed out – HOARDING !
      I don’t believe that most paper products are manufactured here. Definitely, not to the extent of days gone bye-bye. ( scott paper ?). We’ll be okay, as long as we have product in the warehouses. Not so much for eggs and dairy. There’s only so many chickens and cows. Eggs can be 60 days old. Milk may be 3 days old by the time it hits the store.

    1. Yes, also known as, “The Philadelphia Inquirer, brought to you by Trudy Rubin, Will Bunch (‘Bunch & Judy’), the New York Times and The Washington Post.”
      Three strikes, no balls, Your out!!

      1. You do know, Jerry, that they eliminated three great journalists since July. Stu, Dom Giardano, and Christine Flowers.

        1. I did not know about Dom and Christine, Tom. The Inq’s loss, as with Stu. I used to refer to its old HQ as “the Inq’s Dark Tower on Callowhill Street (May It Crumble Into A Parking Lot).” My personal feud with the Inq had been its malportrayal of Israel, until I ultimately gave up and unsubscribed.

          1. I hear you Jerry. Even though I know they will not, and have not published one of my op letters on various
            issues, I still write and tell them just that. I also let them know that my ops represent many, many others. “They need to be told,” is my motto.

  8. Nice to make light and fun about a very serious matter! Yes, the store shelves are bear, and I think the hoarders are out everyday still gathering more and more!
    I’m just glad ShopRite posted All Sales Final! So I hope they get serious diarrhea or have lots of family to wrap presents in TP!

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