The annual conversation with God

Continuing with a conversation with God going back a quarter of a century.

Your Favorite Columnist: Let’s start with the biggest topic in the news.

God: Saquon Barkley? He’s a God-send to the Eagles, I know. You’re welcome, and I don’t even give him an extra push.

YFC: Um, good, yes, but I wanted to ask about all the drones in the sky over New Jersey.

God: Better than landfills. What’re they complaining about? I gave Chris Christie a hurricane for goodness sake.

YFC: It’s the uncertainty.

God: Boy, you missed it.

YFC: What did I miss?

God: You missed the biggest story of the year — Donald J. Trump getting re-elected after a term out of office. It’s only happened once before.

YFC: Did you have anything to do with it?

God: With Trump? No. Grover Cleveland, yes. 

YFC: You were around then?

God: Me? The Eternal? You got Preparation H in your ears?

YFC: Senior moment. I forgot. Forgive me.

God: You mean you had a Biden moment. Ha, haha. No problem, Sonny.

YFC: You know I’ve asked you not to call me that. 

God: I am God. I am white. I am male. I am entitled.

YFC: Wait a minute! You aren’t supposed to have a color or a gender or an ethnicity.

God: Who told you that — the #MeToo crowd? You ever see me without a beard? I was born with a beard!

YFC: But. . . 

God: OK, I’ll give you the blue eyes — no blue in the eyes. Here, take a look.

YFC: Please stop shoving your brown eyes at me. They look like glass.

God: Contact lenses. At my age . . .

YFC: What? You are supposed to be flawless.

God: That’s my judgment, although I wonder about the free will I gave you. Aside from that, my eyesight is 30/40 and the lumbago gets me a bit.

YFC: I’m not interested in your aches and pains. Can we get back to Trump?

God: Sure, nice guy. Shot a round with him at Bedminster. Caught him cheating on the score.

YFC: Nice guys don’t cheat on the score.

God: No one is perfect, except me, of course. Ha, haha.

YFC: What’s so funny?

God: He called off the game after my fourth hole in one. That was on the fourth hole. I can do that all day long, eyes closed.

YFC: No wonder he cheated.

God: That’s what I was thinking, too. 

YFC: Can you tell me what kind of a President he will be?

God: Sure, I can, but I won’t. You might make bets. Let’s say better than Jimmy Carter — I always thought he had a screw loose — and not as good as George Washington.

YFC: Carter’s 100 now, in hospice.

God: He can stay there. I don’t want him with me. Ditto that Luigi Mangione.

YFC: Let’s go back a step. Washington kept slaves!

God: Who didn’t, in my time? Even my favorites, the Hebrews,

YFC: You had favorites?

God: Sure, don’t you? 

YFC: But I’m not God, for God’s sake!

God: Careful, boychick, remember the Commandment about not taking my name in vain.

YFC: I’m sorry. I apologize. But God is your title. What is your name?

God: It’s a secret. If you say it, I gotta kill you. Like Beetlejuice. 

YFC: I didn’t mean to intrude.

God: Consider it forgotten. As to Trump, tell the TDS crowd to pull up their panties. It’s not going to be as bad as they think. In fact, he won’t even —

YFC: He won’t even what?

God: Sorry. I almost slipped. Can’t tell you the future. Not allowed. The boss wouldn’t like it.

YFC: The boss? God, the Almighty, has a boss?

God: Everyone answers to someone. In my case, a committee of angels.

YFC: Tell me more about that.

God: It’s not allowed. But it’s something like AI.

YFC: Artificial Intelligence?

God: Shush, they’ll hear you. Bunch of pain in the ass know-it-alls. You deal with AI at all?

YFC: Very little. I don’t trust it yet. I asked it to write my bio and it credited a book to me that I didn’t write, and missed one that I did write.

God: What were those? In case someone wants to order it?

YFC: Thank you. My novel is “Press Card” and my nonfiction is “Cats are Supermodels.” Both can be ordered from this website: www.presscardthebook.com But back to AI.

God: I call it Rambunctious Intelligence. What’s that graphic at the top of the column?

YFC: I asked AI to draw me the 1956 Philly skyline.

God: And it drew all those towers?

YFC: Yeah. Needs work.

God: The Olympics were good. Paris is one of my favorite cities, and they managed to beautifully restore Notre Dame, even though the French have become so secular.

YFC: Why is that?

God: Never winning a war will do that. Ah well. AI will change that, when it is perfected.

YFC: What do you mean?

God: When it is perfected, you know someone is going fo ask about the existence of God. The atheists will shit themselves, sorry to be gross. Ha haha.

YFC: Well, I know you’re real. But do you have any questions?

God: Well, there’s the free will thing I mentioned, and why did they change the capital of Indonesia from Jakarta to Nusantara? What’s up with that?

YFC: I don’t know. My time is almost up for this year. Can we get back to free will. Was that a mistake?

God: A mistake? You know I don’t make mistakes. Let’s call it an “experiment,” like when Adam took a bite out of the fruit of “the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” Boom! Ouf of the Garden of Eden!

YFC: Where was the garden located?

God: East Saint Louis, but that’s not important. The bite represented disobedience and led to much evil, that I did not stop. Things like slavery, war, different languages, pestilence, plastics, and parking meters. And, when required, I smote them.

YFC: Smote?

God: Kicked ass. Remember Noah and the flood?

YFC: You wiped everyone out?

God: Damn straight, Sonny, and I am ready to do it again. This time nukes, not a flood. 

YFC: For a loving God you seem pretty vengeful. 

God: It’s my bifurcated nature. Books have been written.

YFC: Any advice as we close our 2024?

God: You know the rules. Don’t piss me off.

YFC: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa.