At this time of year, columnists and essayists have a choice of three
hackneyed traditional topics to write about — year in review, predictions, resolutions.
They’ve been done to death.
Always a trail-blazer, I am going to combine all three. I expect Loyal Readers will be able to recognize which are history, which are future, and which are personal. It’s a little like Jeane Dixon matched with Rodney Dangerfield. No hints.
<> I will either start buying Power Ball tickets or stop complaining when I don’t win.
<> Queen Elizabeth will die of old age in 2022. Prince Charles will die of shock, leading to the coronation of Prince William as King, and a
royal hissy fit thrown by the former Meghan Markle, Duchess Actress of Sussex, while Prince Harry sings “Born Too Late.”
<> Covid will develop a new, boring variation named Adele.
<> China will win the most gold medals in the Winter Olympics by making cheap knockoffs of the medals won by Sweden.
<> Social scientists at Princeton will declare the family is a social construct, like race and gender, and conclude that human infants should be raised by wolves.
<> PETA will relaunch a Save the Wolves campaign.
<> Donald J. Trump announces his candidacy for president, but this time of Hungary, where he soon will open the Budapest Trump Casino, Massage Parlor, and Presidential Library.
<> Mayor Jim Kenney loses attempt to remove the Christopher Columbus statue from South Philadelphia park. He’ll always have the Rizzo statue, though.
<> Kamala Harris resigns as Vice President to accept President Joe Biden’s nomination to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat vacated by self-described Bronxite Sonia Sotomayer, who tweeted her resignation: “These f’n loco right-wingers are driving me crazy!”
<> To replace Harris (the first Black/Asian former girlfriend of Willie Brown to sit on the high court), Biden appoints U.S. Rep Ilhan Omar, which causes the Cabinet to invoke the 25th Amendment to remove him on grounds of mental incompetence. For a change, Sen. Joe Manchin does not say no.
<> If you are old enough to buy her a present, crotchless panties are never an appropriate Mother’s Day gift.
<> Jim Kenney resigns as mayor of Philadelphia to enter the monastery. After six months, the monastery throws him out, saying that his constant weeping annoyed the other friars.
<> The Phillies will pay its players in pretend bitcoin starting in 2022.
<> Phillies players will pretend to try harder to get into the playoffs.
<> Joe Biden declared Covid-19 pandemic beaten by Independence Day. It then made a comeback, kind of like he did.
<> Joe Biden called U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan an “extraordinary success.” He said the same of the Phillies season.
<> U.S. Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene will win both the MacArthur Genius grant, and the Promise Keepers Humanitarian of the Year award.
<> After Republicans gain control of Congress, Jan. 6 is made a national holiday to balance Juneteenth.
<> U.S. rejoins Paris climate accord, and WHO. WE shrug.
<> D.A. Larry Krasner resolves to do better on the homicide rate in 2022. He’s aiming at 600.
<> After U.S. Rep Mary Gay Scanlon’s gas-guzzling SUV was recovered by police, she found a MAGA hat on the back seat and a dump in the trunk.
<> O.J. Simpson starts a campaign to find the real guys who assaulted Jussie Smollett.
<> Jussie Smollett changes his name to Rachel Dolezal.
<> NRA names Kyle Rittenhouse Sportsman of the Year.
<> Stu Bykofsky wins Pulitzer in a new category for handicapped octogenarians.
And he wishes you a Happy New Year.