New twist on old New Year’s column idea

At this time of year, columnists and essayists have a choice of three  hackneyed traditional topics to write about — year in review, predictions, resolutions.

They’ve been done to death.

Always a trail-blazer, I am going to combine all three. I expect Loyal Readers will be able to recognize which are history, which are future, and which are personal. It’s a little like Jeane Dixon matched with Rodney Dangerfield. No hints.

<> I will either start buying Power Ball tickets or stop complaining when I don’t win.

<> Queen Elizabeth will die of old age in 2022. Prince Charles will die of shock, leading to the coronation of Prince William as King, and a royal hissy fit thrown by the former Meghan Markle, Duchess Actress of Sussex, while Prince Harry sings “Born Too Late.”

<> Covid will develop a new, boring variation named Adele.

<> China will win the most gold medals in the Winter Olympics by making cheap knockoffs of the medals won by Sweden.

<> Social scientists at Princeton will declare the family is a social construct, like race and gender, and conclude that human infants should be raised by wolves.

<> PETA will relaunch a Save the Wolves campaign.

<> Donald J. Trump announces his candidacy for president, but this time of Hungary, where he soon will open the Budapest Trump Casino, Massage Parlor, and Presidential Library.

<> Mayor Jim Kenney loses attempt to remove the Christopher Columbus statue from South Philadelphia park. He’ll always have the Rizzo statue, though. 

<> Kamala Harris resigns as Vice President to accept President Joe Biden’s nomination to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat vacated by self-described Bronxite Sonia Sotomayer, who tweeted her resignation: “These f’n loco right-wingers are driving me crazy!” 

<> To replace Harris (the first Black/Asian former girlfriend of Willie Brown to sit on the high court), Biden appoints U.S. Rep Ilhan Omar, which causes the Cabinet to invoke the 25th Amendment to remove him on grounds of mental incompetence. For a change, Sen. Joe Manchin does not say no.

<> If you are old enough to buy her a present, crotchless panties are never an appropriate Mother’s Day gift.

<> Jim Kenney resigns as mayor of Philadelphia to enter the monastery. After six months, the monastery throws him out, saying that his constant weeping annoyed the other friars.

<> The Phillies will pay its players in pretend bitcoin starting in 2022.

<> Phillies players will pretend to try harder to get into the playoffs.

<> Joe Biden declared Covid-19 pandemic beaten by Independence Day. It then made a comeback, kind of like he did.

<> Joe Biden called U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan an “extraordinary success.” He said the same of the Phillies season.

<> U.S. Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene will win both the MacArthur Genius grant, and the Promise Keepers Humanitarian of the Year award.

<> After Republicans gain control of Congress, Jan. 6 is made a national holiday to balance Juneteenth.

<> U.S. rejoins Paris climate accord, and WHO. WE shrug.

<> D.A. Larry Krasner resolves to do better on the homicide rate in 2022. He’s aiming at 600.

<> After U.S. Rep Mary Gay Scanlon’s gas-guzzling SUV was recovered by police, she found a MAGA hat on the back seat and a dump in the trunk.

<> O.J. Simpson starts a campaign to find the real guys who assaulted Jussie Smollett. 

<> Jussie Smollett changes his name to Rachel Dolezal.

<> NRA names Kyle Rittenhouse Sportsman of the Year. 

<> Stu Bykofsky wins Pulitzer in a new category for handicapped octogenarians.

And he wishes you a Happy New Year. 

15 thoughts on “New twist on old New Year’s column idea”

  1. Wishing you a very Happy New Year with a resolution to read and respond your columns.

    Best Regards,

    Margaret SCHERNECKE

      1. In no particular order 😀😁👍🤣🙃🤔🤗👍🤫👍👍🙃🤣🤣👍👍
        Happy New Year!

    Well done, pallie !
    I knew something was up with you as soon as I saw Billy Penn’s back and you deleted my people.
    Then you go and pick on little Jimmy. I heard ( from an unreliable source ) that the Columbus statue is long gone. In its place is a blow up doll resembling another ( near ) famous Philly person.
    In truth. The only good thing that I can say about Congresswoman Scanlon, is that she is a VET and I thank her for her service.
    see ya next year !

  3. Happy 2022 Sir Stu…my resolution is to not make lofty promises of self improvement or statements that create an endless loop of ironic personal prophecy…ah, well there’s always 2023.

  4. Have I told you lately that I love you?

    Thanks for making me smile and take a deep, cleansing breath on the last day of this dumpster fire of a year, which is sizing up to become a dumpster fire of a decade if something doesn’t give soon.

    Wishing you the best for 2022!

  5. Happy New Year Stu and fellow readers! Decided, No resolutions for me in 2022, they never seem to work out and drive unrealistic expectations/stress. Gonna keep it real, keep “living the dream”, and as always hoping for more fantasies than nightmares!

    Wishing a healthy and happy 2022 for all.

  6. For New Year’s consideration of topics for editors to research and address, here is something that has puzzled me since I was a pup: we are told in the Bible (can I use that word?) that after Moses led the Jewish people from bondage in Egypt, they eventually wound up in the desert, where they wandered for 40 years as punishment for an offense against you-know-who. Now, if they moved ONE MILE A DAY, in 40 years they would have wandered 14,600 miles. Talk about getting lost! Editors take note.

    1. Vince,
      And that was in a circle !
      Everybody knows that one leg is shorter than the other, which means that you’re either going clockwise or counter clockwise.
      Got that straight, Vince ?!?

      1. I knew there was a logical explanation! I’ve been going around in circles since I learned to walk, and I’m a Christian. So, it’s not a Jewish thing!
        Now here is something I learned only yesterday (again, a topic for an editor): The most famous voice in all of moviedom is that of Mel Blanc, voice of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, Tweety Bird, Sylvester the cat, Pepe Le Pew, etc., etc. Do you know the ONLY voice of the Warner Brothers cartoons Mel Blanc didn’t do? (Drum roll): It was the voice of Elmer Fudd.

  7. I do a 12 days of Christmas list that touches on local characters that only in Philly could they hold positions that call for leadership, common sense and ability the opposites of their talent. But I do enjoy the dry and sometimes wet humor from a renowned author. I find the Chinese really know how to celebrate their New Year as it lasts 15 days. This year their electric cars will be selling in Europe and in America for half the price of ours. Damn Union contracts. A statue submitted for approval by the Public Art Committee has Kenny facing backward from every direction. Krasner finally backs his usual misinformation at press conferences by going to the police firing range with Outlaw and becomes the first progressive to literally “shoot himself in the foot.” And may his six hundred and first homicide be Mumia. I wish you a great New Year Stu as I withdraw from almost all of the social media to finish a legacy in some written form for my grandchildren and will include various unsolved crimes where the perpetrators are now deceased.

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