My friend’s Sunday wedding

My friend missed the Eagles game because he had to attend a wedding. He is a member of an minor ethnic minority that sees nothing unusual about a wedding late Sunday afternoon.

For obvious reasons, I will not identify the ethnic group. For the purpose of this column I will refer to them as the Stereotypes. (Call me Borat.)

The wedding was called for 5 p.m.,  but the family gathered at 2 p.m. for the ceremonial Washing of the Bride, which the family does, communally. During the washing, the bride’s mother certifies that her daughter is not a virgin, which is considered to be shameful in Stereotype culture.

The high point was the shaving of her legs, which was done by her father, with a straight razor.

Her arm pits were left for her husband to shave, following the ceremony, which was conducted by a priest riding a mule. 

Included in the wedding party were the happy couple’s grown children, who attended with their children. In addition to their household yaks.

The bride wore black with an embarrassingly revealing neckline. The groom wore a codpiece. Nothing else, following Stereotype custom. The couple exchanged vaccination cards in lieu of rings.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. 

Or a dry butt, because of the communal shower.