How to have a peaceful Thanksgiving

First, give thanks for living in the best country in the world.

OK, that takes care of my Canadian readers.

Calm down Trumpsters, it’s a j-o-k-e.

You know, like the 2020 election.

Still with me?

We can give thanks, we American’s can, for our freedom, for the scale and beauty of our nation (stolen from Indigenous people), for a strong economy, and because the invent-a-transgression Woke haven’t destroyed us. . . Yet.

They, the Woke, haven’t killed Thanksgiving either, but they are working on it. They want you to read the revisionist history that the Indians Native Americans were not actually invited to the feast by the Pilgrims. The redskins Wampanoag tribe crashed the party.  

On this continent, as the Whites went up, the Reds went down. That is undeniable, and also inevitable. I’m not cheering it, I’m explaining it. Even if Columbus hadn’t discovered stumbled into the New World, someone would have and, yes, the result would have been the same — rifles beat spears, pistols beat arrows. Gunpowder wins. 

You think it would have been better if the Chinese — inventors of gunpowder — would have arrived first? Ask the Tibetans and the Uyghurs how they feel about that. 

The Indians Native Americans prove what happens when you don’t enforce your borders.

But let’s not dwell upon the past.

This will be the most expensive Thanksgiving ever, in terms of what you spend to lay the table. (“Lay the table” is a classic dining expression, very different from getting laid on the table, guys.) Other sources estimate a 14% hike.

From turkey to cranberries to stuffing to corn to pumpkin pie, everything will cost more this year.

It’s up an estimated 5% this year over last, even though many of us cancelled last year because of you-know-what (which is still hanging around). 

Let’s say you bite the bullet and decide to host Thanksgiving, known to turkeys as Holocaust Thursday. (For animal welfare reasons, I prefer lasagne or manicotti.)

Let’s say among your guests you have both Woke and MAGA.

What do you do to keep them from stabbing each other with sporks?

Assuming you want to.

Deflection is a good idea, to distract them away from politics. Grinding Xanax into the mashed potatoes is another tactic.

Gleaned from previous columns and other sources, here are some ideas on how to avoid bloodshed.

Avoid topics that are sure to be hot buttons — abortion, Joe Biden, Donald Trump, Kyle Rittenhouse, guns, race, religion.

Sports usually provides a meeting ground.

Such as, how big a dick is Ben Simmons?

Are we happy Zach Ertz is with a winning team?

Will the Eagles get to .500?

Here are some generic ice-breakers:

If you could have any superpower, which one would you choose?

If you could be a famous person for a week, who would you be? (I’m guessing no one chooses Kevin Spacey or Christine Fang Fang.)

What is your favorite family tradition, and are you passing it on?

If you could invite anyone (past or present) to dinner, who would it be?

Who was the most influential person in your life?

If this is a family gathering, probe for stories you might not have heard before.

What did your parents do on their first date?

How did people survive without iPhones and Uber?

Your grandparents might be able to tell you what the Depression was like, or how mass protests stopped the Vietnam War.

There was a time when leaving the country was a really big deal. Ask what travel and accommodations were like in the “old days.”

Is someone at the table a military veteran? Ask him or her what their service was like.

Yes, it is kind of a chestnut, but asking everyone why they are thankful might make for a moment of calm gratitude.

Some of the answers might surprise you.

Wishing you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.