Heard inside the mayor’s office

The imaginary mayor’s office at City Hall. The mayor is bent over, sobbing softly into his hands, which are salty from the soft pretzels he has been eating. Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw enters.

OUTLAW: Mr. Mayor, what’s wrong?

KENNEY: The people of Philadelphia. Why did they do this to me? I always tried to do the best for them, like giving them a soda tax, for instance.

OUTLAW: Don’t ask me, boss. I just got here. I’m just glad they didn’t look like me.

KENNEY: You mean the looters weren’t short black women with tight braids?

OUTLAW: No, I mean they are not (whispers) black.

KENNEY: They’re not? None of them? You ever hear of Foot Locker?

OUTLAW: I’ll go check the mug shots. (She moves behind Kenney and starts massaging his shoulders.)

KENNEY: Oh, that’s good. I haven’t had a feeling like this since Rich Ross left.

OUTLAW: He gave too many backrubs, I hear.

KENNEY: Whatever. In the meantime, I’m issuing orders to cordon off Center City. Nobody in, nobody out. Seal it off! I’ll make it Pope Time again. I’ll show ‘em who’s boss! 

OUTLAW: Um, boss, that will just mean they’ll start looting elsewhere, like Port Richmond. 

KENNEY: (Snickers) That’ll never happen, not in the river wards. Meanwhile, I’m ordering all retail closed and I’m putting up another curfew.

OUTLAW: Who will enforce it?

KENNEY: You will.

OUTLAW: Me? What do I have to do with this? You are punishing the innocent.

KENNEY: You’re the commissioner. It’s your job. — Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got to crack down. I was so disappointed by people looting with their kids.

OUTLAW: Disappointed? Could you find a weaker word?

KENNEY: Disheartened.

OUTLAW: Jesus H. Christ. Even Nutter could do better.

KENNEY: Never mention his name. I’ve decided who to go after.

OUTLAW: Attaboy. Who — looters, arsonists, vandals, Proud Boys, Antifa? Who do you hold responsible? 

KENNEY: The Frank Rizzo statue! Got to get rid of that. It’s racist. It caused all the trouble. It’s horrible, unforgivable. 

OUTLAW: Didn’t you vote in favor of the statue being there?

KENNEY: Um, yeah.

OUTLAW: But now you are saying you never liked it.

KENNEY: It depends on what you mean by “liked.” 

OUTLAW: Didn’t you suggest the Municipal Services Building be renamed to honor Frank L. Rizzo?

KENNEY: Huminah, huminah, huminah.

OUTLAW: Stop with the Three Stooges, I know you love that stuff. You’ve changed your mind about the statue at least three times.

KENNEY: I did vote for the statue. I did want MSB to be renamed for Rizzo, a fellow South Philadelphian. But that was before I went to Progressive Reeducation camp and I came to understand the grievance priorities of the Democratic Party. Hey — do you think you were hired because of your good looks?

OUTLAW: (Batting her eyes) You think I look good?

KENNEY: That’s not the issue. The statue! I’m going to move it now even though it will cost an extra couple thousand dollars instead of waiting for the makeover of the plaza as I previously said I would do.

OUTLAW: You also previously said you would leave that up to the Art Commission.

KENNEY: Never mind what I said. I’m saying.

OUTLAW: I thought you were $600 million in the hole on the budget. Won’t that move be a huge waste of money?

KENNEY: It’s not a waste if it will mollify the people who trashed the city Saturday night. They say he was a fascist. They say he was a racist.

OUTLAW: Some people think he was racist. But isn’t it true other people see him as an expression of Italian-American pride, and others see him as a symbol of prosperity and safety in Philadelphia?

KENNEY: They’re only hard-working taxpayers, screw them. I represent the other people, the ones who whine, don’t work or contribute. They got me re-elected. I owe them.