Heard inside the mayor’s office

June 1, 2020 34 Comments

The imaginary mayor’s office at City Hall. The mayor is bent over, sobbing softly into his hands, which are salty from the soft pretzels he has been eating. Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw enters.

OUTLAW: Mr. Mayor, what’s wrong?

KENNEY: The people of Philadelphia. Why did they do this to me? I always tried to do the best for them, like giving them a soda tax, for instance.

Commissioner Outlaw and Mayor Kenney (Photo: Philadelphia Citizen)

OUTLAW: Don’t ask me, boss. I just got here. I’m just glad they didn’t look like me.

KENNEY: You mean the looters weren’t short black women with tight braids?

OUTLAW: No, I mean they are not (whispers) black.

KENNEY: They’re not? None of them? You ever hear of Foot Locker?

OUTLAW: I’ll go check the mug shots. (She moves behind Kenney and starts massaging his shoulders.)

KENNEY: Oh, that’s good. I haven’t had a feeling like this since Rich Ross left.

OUTLAW: He gave too many backrubs, I hear.

KENNEY: Whatever. In the meantime, I’m issuing orders to cordon off Center City. Nobody in, nobody out. Seal it off! I’ll make it Pope Time again. I’ll show ‘em who’s boss! 

OUTLAW: Um, boss, that will just mean they’ll start looting elsewhere, like Port Richmond. 

KENNEY: (Snickers) That’ll never happen, not in the river wards. Meanwhile, I’m ordering all retail closed and I’m putting up another curfew.

OUTLAW: Who will enforce it?

KENNEY: You will.

OUTLAW: Me? What do I have to do with this? You are punishing the innocent.

KENNEY: You’re the commissioner. It’s your job. — Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got to crack down. I was so disappointed by people looting with their kids.

OUTLAW: Disappointed? Could you find a weaker word?

KENNEY: Disheartened.

OUTLAW: Jesus H. Christ. Even Nutter could do better.

KENNEY: Never mention his name. I’ve decided who to go after.

OUTLAW: Attaboy. Who — looters, arsonists, vandals, Proud Boys, Antifa? Who do you hold responsible? 

KENNEY: The Frank Rizzo statue! Got to get rid of that. It’s racist. It caused all the trouble. It’s horrible, unforgivable. 

OUTLAW: Didn’t you vote in favor of the statue being there?

KENNEY: Um, yeah.

OUTLAW: But now you are saying you never liked it.

KENNEY: It depends on what you mean by “liked.” 

OUTLAW: Didn’t you suggest the Municipal Services Building be renamed to honor Frank L. Rizzo?

KENNEY: Huminah, huminah, huminah.

OUTLAW: Stop with the Three Stooges, I know you love that stuff. You’ve changed your mind about the statue at least three times.

KENNEY: I did vote for the statue. I did want MSB to be renamed for Rizzo, a fellow South Philadelphian. But that was before I went to Progressive Reeducation camp and I came to understand the grievance priorities of the Democratic Party. Hey — do you think you were hired because of your good looks?

OUTLAW: (Batting her eyes) You think I look good?

KENNEY: That’s not the issue. The statue! I’m going to move it now even though it will cost an extra couple thousand dollars instead of waiting for the makeover of the plaza as I previously said I would do.

OUTLAW: You also previously said you would leave that up to the Art Commission.

KENNEY: Never mind what I said. I’m saying.

OUTLAW: I thought you were $600 million in the hole on the budget. Won’t that move be a huge waste of money?

KENNEY: It’s not a waste if it will mollify the people who trashed the city Saturday night. They say he was a fascist. They say he was a racist.

OUTLAW: Some people think he was racist. But isn’t it true other people see him as an expression of Italian-American pride, and others see him as a symbol of prosperity and safety in Philadelphia?

KENNEY: They’re only hard-working taxpayers, screw them. I represent the other people, the ones who whine, don’t work or contribute. They got me re-elected. I owe them.

34 thoughts on “Heard inside the mayor’s office”

  1. Inspired work, Stu. Your electronic bug delivered an accurate message

  2. HAPPY MONDAY !!!
    pallie,
    Did Jimmy or Danielle send this to you ? PERFECT ! She was think that this is “welcome Home” week, figuring that Outlaw saw this same antifa crap on the west coast.
    Pam’s cousin is a maintenance man in the old Wannamaker building. He sent Pam some pictures of the ( sic ) renovation work that was done over the weekend !
    I figure that this disaster will cost millions,PLUS all of the lost revenues lost when the destroyed businesses don’t return.
    Dare I say it ! Another democrat city bites the dust !
    Tony

      1. Nicely done, Stu. As a retired officer, I listened, on police radio, to all the crime being committed over the weekend. It was obvious listening to the officers SCREAMING for help, that the command staff came up woefully short. Busing officers from the far regions of the city HOURS after the rioting began to take place?! Where were the shields? Where were the horses? Where was the tear gas/OCS spray? Why do I see other departments in full protective riot gear, shoulder pads, elbow pads, knee pads, protective gloves, yet the PPD is standing there being bombarded while wearing a stupid helmet? Shields arrived sporadically the next day. I’m told by a police academy instructor that the shields were at the academy. What good were they at the P.A.? How many cops, thinking about retirement had their minds made up when the rioting became assaults on police. I see an increase in DROP applications. How many taxpayers will move out of the city after this? (I did 12 years ago). IMO, these anarchists/looters just sealed the deal for Trump. My frustration and anger level is through the roof. Can you IMAGINE how it is with officers on the front line?

  3. Many a truth is spoken in jest.

    I thought the article was very good except for 1 thing. I found the Jesus H Christ offensive, Am I allowed to post criticism here?

    I think ” What the F*** ” would have been better.

      1. The outlaw would probably arrest me for making terroristic threats against you.

  4. It’s not well known that the “Racist” Rizzo implemented the first interracial patrol cars of any big city in America. Ahhh but of course history in America is dead. We only know how to rage in the moment.

      1. Uncle Frank (Rizzo) gave respect to all that deserved it. In turn, he got respect. History really screwed him over !

      2. Frank died on a Tuesday. The friday night before he died there was an anti-drug march on 52ST Frank showed up.A ton of African Americans came out of the bar to shake his hand.Lucien Blackwell said Rizzo was going to get 1/3 of black vote against Rendell. He would have beaten Rendell with that many blacks.

        Rizzo also said he was going to make Katz his finance director. Katz said he didn’t want the job. But I’m sure Frank would have made him an offer he couldn’t turn down.

        I waited over 3 hours to view Rizzo’s body at the Cathedral. I wish I had $1 for every AA who paid their respects.

        sal Palantonio did a great job on the Rizzo book he wrote.

          1. The only judge that counts is the one Frank Rizzo met after he died.

          1. Where did you get your data for that conclusion?

            I’m not asking about those who didn’t vote for him There are blacks who liked him but didn’t vote for him.I’m sure you had limited contact with black church goers and other goodie goodies.

            I think a lot of it was driven by manure heads in the media who hated Frank.

            Did you ask anyone in private where they could say they liked Frank without fear of being hassled by neighbors.

    2. I was with Rizzo, when, as mayor, he stood with officers, black and white, as we pushed back against the thugs that were TRYING to terrorize Phila. It didn’t work. He nipped it in the bud. 2 of his closest friends, Jim Turner
      and Tony Fullwood just happened to be black. Racist my ass. He loved good people. He hated thugs.

  6. Fantastic but sad that we’ve all been forced to stoop to mocking these two nitwits. Good article today about failure in many many Dem run cities to control Antifa and rioting. I didn’t vote for our own nitwit. And he brought in a chief from Portland, a city that failed controlling the anarchists. The article suggests we get what we deserve putting these people in office. Harsh but perhaps true.

  7. Right on. Love your columns Stu.However we are watching the end game of liberal anarchist democratic policies.For decades they have spread their illogical poison thru the schools,media and Hollywood.And now that most people under 40 believe them I fear the country I grew up in will not exist much longer.I hope people wake up and actually care enough to stop this.The police need your help too.We need more of what happened at Front & Mifflin last night.I do not know when this ends but if they start attacking residential neighborhoods then we must have a private right to defend ouRich Martinor selves by any means necessary.NO RESTRAINTS.

    1. What happened Front and Mifflin? I am locked and loaded and prepared to defend myself

  8. Oh so true! My question to you is, what if Frank Rizzo was the mayor or police commissioner, yesterday. What might he have done?

    Me: Once the first vehicle was set ablaze, I believe he would have ordered and launched the water hoses, high pressure onto the protesters as it was no longer peaceful protest. The first vehicle, a second vehicle then mass chaos. The first vehicle was an incendiary device igniting the entire crowd.

    2. PPD HAD a strong leader. A man perfect for the job. Came up through the ranks. Was promised the job by Kenney, who then proceeded to hire a black female (I predicted that a month before it happened). Joe Sullivan was the man for the job. But he got tired of the bullshit, lies and cronyism within the department. So he retired. I hope he is having a big F U laugh about this right now!

  9. I love the Jimmy Cagney line from ‘Mr. Roberts’: “Never mind what I said! I’m saying!” Great article.

        1. To be precise, Charles, Chaz said “Now youse can’t leave.” Very South Philly.

          1. I stand corrected.I love the Belmont section of the Bronx.Seeing your last name makes me think about the following Revolutionary War history question.

            Who was the American hero at the Battle of Saratoga?

            Yep it was Benedict Arnold

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