God quiet about Eagles during annual chat

Continuing a conversation that has been going on for more than two decades between Your Favorite Columnist and the Almighty. 

YFC: Yo, God! Where you at? The Heavenly Hall seems to be empty.

God: Stop shouting, Sonny. I hear you. I’m in the crapper. This irritable bowel syndrome is a killer.

[Sound of flushing.]

YFC: You have IBS?

God: It’s one way I keep in touch with human suffering. Builds empathy. 

YFC: Amazing. Do you have any other ways you keep in touch with human suffering?

God: I watch “The View.” Let me tell you — a shriekfest.

YFC: I had no idea. Anything else?

God: I became an Eagles fans this season. What agita. Aspirations went from Super Bowl to Toilet Bowl. Human suffering like this I haven’t seen since the Inquisition.

YFC: Do you know who’s going to win today’s game against the Giants?

God: Do they call me the All Knowing for nothing?

YFC: Give it up. I can make a killing at the sports book.

God: WTF! You think I’m a tout?

YFC: Sorry, no offense meant. Not to change the subject, but can we talk about the condition of the world?

God: You said not to change the subject, Sonny, but then you changed the subject. 

YFC: As I’ve asked in the past, please don’t call me Sonny. And the “not to change the subject” is just an expression.

God: Excuuuuse me. I thought you were Mister Wordsmith.

YFC: I am, but this was just a spoken expression. Don’t get on your high horse.

God: That’s how it starts, with an “expression.” The next thing you know, you are plagiarizing. Have you ever plagiarized anything?

YFC: Never. The worst I’ve done is make shit up.

God: Aha! Like what?

YFC: Like this interview. But let’s get back on track. Give me a grade for the condition of the world.

God: C-.

YFC: That’s a pretty low grade.

God: Have you read a newspaper lately?

YFC: Of course.

God: You must be the only one. Jesus Christ! Ooops. I mean, by all that’s holy, the Grim Reaper is mowing them down in Ukraine and the Middle East, my home field.

YFC: Your “home field”?

God: It’s an expression, like you said before. That’s where my son was born, Bethlehem.

YFC: Why don’t you stop the wars?

God: I may have mentioned this before: Free will. Terrible mistake. I listened to a smart aleck cherub. And Putin — he’s from the devil, my old pal Lucifer. You notice Putin never ages? That’s a tell-tale sign. 

YFC: How about Israel?

God: Sonny, you ever catch one in the chops, a real sucker punch that drops you to your knees? That was Oct. 7. Hamas is also from the devil. 

YFC: Is Israel overdoing the retaliation?

God: Who am I to judge?

YFC: You’re God! Of course you judge! Remember Sodom and Gomorrah and that time you destroyed the entire freaking earth in a flood?

God: You make a good point, Sonny. Let me put it this way — it’ll be over soon.

YFC: Soon?

God: If  Zelensky gets all the arms he needs, but the Republicans seem to have a grump against him. Maybe because he’s Jewish.

YFC: Because he’s Jewish? Do you believe that?

God: I thought we got that anti-Semitism crap out of our system, but the word hasn’t reached the Ivy League. I thought it was only Asians they didn’t like.

YFC: Do you listen to music?

God: Why do you ask?

YFC: This year was the 50th anniversary of hip-hop.

God: I thought you said “music.”

YFC: What about politics, can we talk that?

God: Sure, Sonny. The civilized world is turning a bit right, because of bad economy, and the arrival of immigrants who don’t share their values. You know, way back at the beginning, the earth — my creation — had no borders and some think we should go back to that.

YFC: Don’t call me Sonny, and, are the Open Borders people wrong?

God: Kind of. Remember the free will thing? Well, I also went along with different languages. It’s bad enough men and women don’t understand each other, but you throw in the Hottentots, Albanians, Spanish and people from Kensington — it’s a hot ghetto mess. Can I say “Ghetto?”

YFC: Who can stop you? 

God: Have you met the wife? She’s more opinionated than Taylor Swift.

YFC: That’s crazy, God.

God: Shush, for crying out loud. She’s got ears like a Doberman.

YFC: Who will be the next president?

God: I’ll tell you next year, but it won’t be Vivek Ramaswamy, that little cocker.

YFC: What do you think about AI? Some people think it will replace our need for you.

God: Allen Iverson? He’s retired. No worries there.

YFC: Let’s wrap this up. What else is on your mind, what’s the view from 30,000 feet?

God: I hate that “view from 30,000 feet” crap. I am way higher than 30,000 feet. I also hate “inflection point,” “reckoning,” and now “fraught” is giving me a pain in the tuchas.

YFC: And that brings us back to IBS. Thanks, God. 

God: Have a Happy New Year, get rid of your Septa tokens, and take the Niners in the Super Bowl. Don’t tell anyone I said. Capeesh? 

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