Falling hard for Dylan Mulvaney

ME: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, doctor.

Dr. PROBER: It seems like you were in crisis, Mr. Bykofsky.

ME: I was. I am. And you can call me Stu.

Dr. PROBER: Very well, and you may call me Dr. Prober.

ME: Sure thing. My problem is I find myself, uh, attracted to Dlyan Mulvaney. 

Dr. PROBER: Is Dylan male or female?

ME: You kind of put your finger on the problem, doc.

Dr. PROBER: What’s the problem?

ME: I don’t know the answer. Here’s a picture. What do you think?

Dr. PROBER: Anorexic, that’s for sure. A Godawful lot of makeup. Seems like a cross dresser to me.

ME: S/he recently “celebrated” her 365th day as a woman. Am I supposed to believe s/he is a woman?

Dr. PROBER: That’s up to you, isn’t it?

ME: How about if I tell you I am a 40-year-old Inuit. Would you believe that? Saying something doesn’t make it true.

Dr. PROBER: Well. . .

ME: So if I think s/he is a woman, and I am male — what some now call cisgender — I am straight. But if I think s/he is male and I’m attracted, then I’m gay. And I don’t think I’m gay.

Dr. PROBER: Do you have a fear of being gay?

ME: No.

Dr. PROBER: How about anal rape?

ME: Never crossed my mind and I think you are missing the point. I have this urge to give her a bad touch.

Dr. PROBER: You mean on private parts?

ME: God forbid! I am thinking about smashing a Boston cream pie into that creepy, pasty face.

Dr. PROBER: Perhaps you can tell me more about this Mulvaney person.

ME: Sure. Well, she is an influencer —

Dr. PROBER: I’m sorry, did you say it has the flu?

ME: No, an “influencer” is an egomaniacal extrovert who entertains people by posting video shenanigans, on social media platforms like Twitter, or Instagram, or TikTok.

Dr. PROBER: Do you have a tic?

ME: Never mind. So Mulvaney has 10 million followers after transitioning from male to female, and from musical theater to advocacy, during the pandemic, when people were starved for diversions. She was invited to the White House and is now endorsing Bud Light.

Dr. PROBER: This person was invited to our White House, in Washington, or to the burger chain?

ME: The chain is White Castle, and, yes, the White House in D.C.

Dr. PROBER: What was Joe Biden thinking?

ME: Probably the same thing as Bud Light marketing VP Alissa Heinerscheid. Attract more business. Nike is using Dylan to promote sports bras.

Dr. PROBER: Does Dylan have breasts?

ME: Not that I can see.

Dr. PROBER: My information is that trans people are 0.7% of the population, higher along the coasts and in Democratic counties. How does using Dylan expand a market?

ME:  That’s what Heinerschied’s bosses are asking.

Dr. PROBER: Can you play me some of Dylan’s videos?

ME: Sure. Here.

(10 minute pause for viewing.)

Dr. PROBER: Oh my God — it’s so camp! What a narcissist! That’s not how real women act. That voice, those movements, those clothes. It’s like a parody. In Bud Light, is Dylan doing an homage to Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”

ME: All I remember about that movie was she was mean to her cat. Which was named Cat.

Dr. PROBER: 10 million followers?

ME: I know, for a freak show, and yet, I can’t take my eyes off Dylan.

Dr, PROBER: Like an auto accident.

ME: Or a Dumpster fire.

Dr. PROBER: Or a Donald Trump deposition.

ME: Or a python swallowing a pig, whole.

Dr. PROBER: Enough of that. 

ME: Or like —

Dr. PROBER: Enough! Is your attraction to her sexual?

ME: I don’t know.

Dr. PROBER: Are you getting woody, if you know what I mean?

ME: At my age, I only get hard thinking about a nap.

Dr. PROBER: Here’s my suggestion. It’s called aversion therapy. Think of Dylan and drink a six-pack of Bud Light real fast. You’ll get sick to your stomach and get queasy whenever you think of Dylan. Meanwhile, go to Nick at Nite, binge watch “One Day at a Time” and concentrate on Valerie Bertinelli. Another possible cure.

ME: Sounds good. What do I owe you?

Dr. PROBER: Give me a free sub to your blog, and we’ll call it even.