Birdbrains let Woke take wing

The Woke just won’t quit, you’ve got to hand them that much. 

We’ve learned the grammar is racist, and math is racist, now it’s birds.

Yes, birds.

Or their names, anyway.

That’s the latest front in the culture wars.

The American Ornithological Society, claiming it was responding to complaints from assholes critics about bird names that are racist, offensive, or named after people (almost all of them being white, God forbid), is going to change the names of some 80 birds. 

Pop Quiz: Don’t be chicken. How many bird species are there?

A- 1,000

B- 5,000

C- 10,000

D- 1 million.

Take your time.

OK? Put your pencils down.

There are at least 10,000 species of birds.  

The American Ornithological Society is going to screw around with change only bird names found in North America, which means the rest of the world can continue to be as racist, and offensive, as they care to be — and that’s plenty, as you will see.

“There is power in a name, and some English bird names have associations with the past that continue to be exclusionary and harmful today,” said nutbag Society President Colleen Handel. “Everyone who loves and cares about birds should be able to enjoy them and study them freely.”

If you feel you have not been able to study and enjoy them freely until now, please raise your hand.

You — in the back.

“I can’t enjoy turkey because it’s $13 a pound.”

I don’t think that’s what Handel was talking about, you silly goose. Also parrots. Let’s not talk about parrots.

Birds to get rebranded renamed include Wilson’s warbler and Wilson’s snipe, both named after 19th century naturalist Alexander Wilson, who was apparently a bad dude.

Audubon’s shearwater, a seabird named after Bird Biggie John James Audubon, will get a new name, because Audubon’s family owned slaves, but the Audubon Society said it would not change its name because it is racist feels its name has become a brand divorced from the unsavory practices of its namesake, which no one knew about anyway.

To support its loony inclusive idea, the birdbrain Society cited this example: In 2020 a Black bird watcher — that’s an African-American man, not a man watching blackbirds (which seems racist) — asked a woman in New York’s Central Park to please obey the law and leash her dog. 

Instead, she dialed 9-1-1 and claimed she was being threatened. 

Well, the good news is the cops charged her with filing a false police report and her employer fired her.

So, from this isolated incident, the Society decided Black bird watchers are threatened.

You know, racism (even when imagined) is terrible, but in the world of birds, there is a universe of offense.

As you remember from our Pop Quiz, there are 10,000 bird species.

I didn’t have time for that, so I combed through the As, pecking for offense. 

It wasn‘t hard to find.

American black duck and black swift, racist.

Bushtit, suggestive.

Coot, ageist.

White pelican, privileged.

Ascension frigate, sounds like the F-word.

Ash-breasted tit, sexy slang.

Blue tit, ditto.

Dusky fly-catcher, racist.

Andean Cock of the Rock, dirty.

Austral blackbird, racist.

Antarctic shag,  slang for doing the deed.

Altai snowcock, racist euphemism.

Amazonian black tyrant, racist.

Can you imagine what I might find under F?