Biden is Lazarus, but it ain’t over yet

This has been an unusual presidential race, unusual as in “what the F just happened”?

Two months ago, Barack Obama’s pretend stepbrother Joe Biden became an instant leader when he announced his candidacy, like an heir, or in his case, an heirloom.

Two weeks ago, he was roadkill flattened by the Bernie Sanders Socialist Express. 

Two days ago — with South Carolinian brothers and sisters having his back — Biden became practically invincible, pundits said.

Don’t they ever learn not to get over their skis? 

Now it’s the 3 Bs — mostly Screaming Bernie versus La-Z-Boy Biden, with American Nanny Mike Bloomberg  coming into view only when he stands on his armored truck. 

It was a great night for Biden, a good, but disappointing night for Bernie, and a meh night for Bloomie, playing Tony Manero and staying alive. 

Bernie won Vermont. That’s like the cows returning to the barn. He captured Colorado handily, checked off Utah. Winning California, as Biden said in a different situation, was a big f’n deal. Polls had Sanders leading, but at my deadline it was a tossup. Maine, too.

Using a Southern Strategy, Biden took Virginia and North Carolina early. Alabama came to Biden’s side next, and Oklahoma, followed by Tennessee and Arkansas. You could almost hear Al Jolson singing “Swanee” and smell the fried chicken.

Two states being watched closely were Minnesota and Massachusetts. Each had a female U.S. senator running for president. Minnesota Nice Amy Klobuchar dropped out and lined up behind Biden a couple of days ago.

Why didn’t she wait for Super Tuesday to see how she would do in her home state?  Maybe she knew that Biden would win it, or maybe he won it because she endorsed him. But he won it, a state where Bernie crushed Hillary Clinton four years ago.

The tom-toms brought bad news when Fauxcahontas Elizabeth Warren could not win the Bay State, her home. Earth to Warren: If you can’t win your home — go home. 

Tuesday was the first time Bloomberg was on the ballot, after pouring more than $400 million into TV commercials and organizing. He won — wait for it — American Samoa! If Bloomberg wins and selects that for his vacation White House, Air Force One pilots will be challenged to find it. (Tulsi Gabbard could find it. Her father was born there, and she couldn’t even win there. Aloha, Tulsi.)

Although Bloomie said he was in it to win it, he is a data guy and the data is telling him he cannot win. 

Another two states being watched were most-populous California and oil-and-manure Texas. Polls showed Bernie very strong there, with pundits wondering if Biden or Warren or Bloomberg could get to the 15% minimum needed to win delegates.

A few days ago, second-place Biden was at 14% in California. Uh-oh. Sanders needs 1,991 delegates to secure the nomination and California has 415. (Texas has 228, the second greatest number.) 

Two weeks ago, Biden was roadkill. This morning, he is Lazarus. 

That’s why politics is so much fun, less predictable than sports because it has more variables. I love watching the TV pundits when the leader changes. They get as excited as maidens at Madame Hodges Finishing & Charm School getting ready for a tea dance.

It would be ironic if Warren and Gabbard drop out, as they should with no path to victory, leaving the identity-obsessed Democrats with three older, white, male candidates.

Well, one of them (most likely) will win and will pick a vice president who is black or female or both.

And there’s even a rumor Donald Trump will dump Mike Pence and select Nikki Haley.

That’s a future topic.