Are you listening to me, God?

Continuing an annual conversation between Your Favorite Columnist and God that stretches back for more than a decade. 

God: How things goin’, Sonny?

YFC: Wha? Oh — it’s you. I don’t like being called Sonny.

God: And I don’t like it when you say “God damn it,” so we’re even.

Where God goes for winter

YFC: I’m not sure I want to be speaking to you.

God: What’s got your shorts in a bunch?

YFC: You know — I busted my leg three years ago, had two surgeries and my leg still isn’t right. I’m on a cane for life now. While I was going through all that, I asked for your help.

God: Lemme axe you, Sonny, do you believe in me, really believe?

YFC: Ummmm.

God: There you go. How do you expect to get help when you don’t believe?

YFC: It’s hard to believe without proof.

God: You kiddin’ me? There are signs of miracles all around you.

YFC: Such as?

God: The Washington Nationals win a World Series, crazy Boris Johnson gets a big majority in the U.K., Bernie Sanders survives a heart attack and Ben Simmons sinks a three-pointer, what more do you want?

YFC: I dunno, something more substantial. By the way, what’s that scent I am smelling?

God: Sun block. I was playing golf earlier.

YFC: That explains the plaid pants. Where do you play?

God: Florida, I have a winter place in The Villages.

YFC: You live in a retirement community? 

God: I don’t live there, just the winter, I’m a Snow Bird. You think I’m not entitled? You think God is a part-time gig, like driving Uber? 

YFC: Why The Villages?

God: Because JFK is there. He’s living with Marilyn Monroe.

YFC: You’re kidding.

God: And Elvis is next door, living with Geraldine Ferraro.

YFC: Cut it out. As we head into the season of peace, why don’t you give yourself a grade on how well you are doing? 

God: Things are calm in Fiji.

YFC: Fiji could be underwater in 20 years.

God: You mean global warming, climate change, whatever they call it. Yep, it’s happening. I hope you don’t own anything in Ocean City, Margate or LBI.

YFC: Are you saying we’ll lose the Jersey shore?

God: Lose it — no. It’s just that the shore will move to the Pine Barrens. If you think that’s bad, don’t ask me about California and Florida — The Villages are inland. Come visit sometime. Bring the girlfriend and the dog. 

YFC: Getting back to peace, the Middle East is a tinder box, Afghanistan, Libya, Iraq and Syria are a mess, the Taliban is gaining, there are riots in Hong Kong and even France. 

God: You forgot measles, typhoid and ebola. Floods, fires and hurricanes. Give me a break. Do you think I’m God?

YFC: That’s what it says on your T-shirt, “Kiss me — I’m God.”

God: I got it from Amazon. Delivery in two days — amazing, dropped by a drone. 

YFC: You paid retail? Don’t you have friends in the biz?

God: And then you’d accuse me of collusion.

YFC: Say, now that you brought that up . . . .

God: I’m not going there, no way. That’s a touchier subject than blackface. 

YFC: You talking about governor Northam or Prime Minister Trudeau?

God: It’s kind of amazing, isn’t it?

YFC: How about the Mueller Report. Any comment?

God: Zip, nada, nothing. What else you got, Sonny?

YFC: Don’t call me, Sonny. See you next year.

God: Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa and Happy New Year. Next year will be better. Pinky swear. 

17 thoughts on “Are you listening to me, God?”

  1. Oh, Gawd! Really, Stu? Seems like you’re reaching…literally, or figuratively, I’m not sure. At least you’re bringing your private, Godly, conversations into the public fold, and that’s a very good sign – of recovery. LoL

    Throughout all of these years, I don’t remember how you actually said how you get to communicate with the one and only MAN. I understand that you are a privileged Brooklyn Dodger fan, and that’s worth a lot, but still…….
    You can’t call him up. His number would get out and he’ld have to block it, or change it. (you can’t keep secrets) That’s why God wont tell you anything about Kenny, Krasner or the rest of “F” troop . He knows that you physically couldn’t take the news about the fleagles, sillies or nixers. (most of us couldn’t, as well)
    I’m surprised that God told you that, not only he’s a snowbird, but where he lives. The price of real estate is soaring in certain parts of Florida !
    Of all of this, the best news is “see ya next year” ! That means that you are ours …………..

  3. Let me first say that your book “Cats are Supermodels” is hilarious!! And I haven’t even started the first chapter! I hope you sell a million!! I mean that, no bs.

    You must be doing something right with visits from The Creator. Do you think it may be Ashes (disguised) your talking with? Stu your humor is contagious.

    Thank you.

  4. Dear God: Former Native American and current White House aspirant Elizabeth Warren wants Israel to surrender Jerusalem. Could such a calamitous move result in the fulfillment of the End Times as foretold by the prophets?

  5. I dreamed I approached the Pearly Gates and there was a sign: “PARA ABRIR LA PUERTA, PRESIONE OCHO.”

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