And then God said . . .

Continuing an annual conversation between Your Favorite Columnist and God that stretches back almost two decades. 

Stu: God, you are getting on my last nerve.

God: What’s got your shorts in a bunch, Sonny?

Stu: Don’t call me Sonny. We soldiered through COVID-19, your 2020 “gift” to humanity, and here, for Thanksgiving, you gave us omicron, which sounds like a new emoji.

God: Me? You give me too much credit, boy-o.

Stu: Um, the all-knowing, all-seeing, mover of the stars, creator of the universe. That’s you, no?

God: Well, sure, but —

Stu: But what

God: The devil. Satan. Beelzebub. Prince of Darkness. That’s where the evil comes from.

Stu: You’re dodging.

God: No boychick. He brings the evil, I bring the vaccine. How come 60 million Americans won’t take the life-saving shot?

Stu: They have free will — that you gave them.

God: That was before I perfected my perfection. Some people believe a lot of crap.

Stu: An example, please.

God: Did you see news outlets go crazy over border agents “whipping” illegals undocumented humans with their horse reins? Never happened. A majority of Republicans believe the election was “stolen.” These people are stuck on stupid, believing things they wish were true, but are not.

Stu: How do you feel about illegals immigrants without papers?

God: The world I created had no borders. Like in the Beatles “Imagine.”

Stu: You liked the Beatles?

God: Major fan.

Stu: Even the lyrics about no religion, no God?

God: Guess what — John and George have discovered the truth. Paul and Ringo are heading this way, what are they— 90?.

Stu: Paul’s 79, Ringo’s 81. Which one is going home next?

God: Not allowed to say, but Paul’s kind of a schmuck, and  Ringo’s got a hernia. Shh. 

Stu: Not to change the subject, but have you performed any miracles lately?

God: Baylor beat Oklahoma State. Biden won Georgia. Capt. Kirk went into space. Good enough?

Stu: Not really. How about that old chestnut — world peace.

God: A bunch of Arab states have recognized Israel, the one and only. You know, my son was born there. How about that?

Stu: How’s your son doing?

God: He’s hanging. 

Stu: Donald Trump launched the Abrahamic Accords.

God: Actually, Jared, but let’s not split hairs. Speaking of hairs, when did yours get so white?

Stu: When I stopped drinking Grecian Formula. Half-Pint said she didn’t like the way it smelled.

God: So, you’re still with Half-Pint?

Stu: I know where you are going. Yeah, I owe you for that. Big time.

God: It’s a blessing, right? You can say it, go ahead.

Stu: You ever get tired of patting yourself on the back?

God: Not easy to do — go ahead and try.

Stu: No can do. I’ve got rotator cuff tears.  Thanks for those, by the way. 

God: Not from athletics, I know, but I can fix those in a hot second. 

Stu: And that will cost me. . . ?

God: Eternal obedience.

Stu: I’ll pass. Anyone else take that deal?

God: Not allowed to say,  but how do you think Donald Trump got elected? He’s got his lawyers trying to break the contract. He says he didn’t actually sign in blood — he used ketchup and that negates the parchment. He’s a bigger schmuck than McCartney. 

Stu: I get it, but I’m running out of time. We should begin to wrap this up.

God: Maybe you want some predictions?

Stu: Eagles in the Super Bowl? Phillies in the Series? Flyers playing for the Cup? Sixers . . .

God: Better stick with the Union and the Wings. But — here. I will give you one.  Jim Kenney will quit the mayor’s job to go into a monastery. That happens right after his new tax on TastyKakes. That makes Darrell Clarke mayor — and he can run for two terms. 

Stu: If he becomes mayor, who will be elected City Council president? 

God: You won’t like it. Imagine an armadillo with the voice of a shriek owl. 

Stu: Helen Gym?

God: Still got that reporter’s instinct, huh, Sonny?

Stu: Don’t call me Sonny! And what will happen with these two clowns in charge? 

God: The city will empty out like a keg at a frat party. 

Stu: That could even make me leave. You still have a time share in The Villages?

God: Several. I’d be happy to arrange a lease. You might have to sign in blood. Heh, heh. That’s a joke, Sonny.

Stu: We’ll talk about it — and don’t call me Sonny! To everyone else, Happy New Year.

17 thoughts on “And then God said . . .”

  1. Your work is a joy to read! Especially since the stinky Inky is so atrocious and the champion of fake and inaccurate news! Happy New Year and keep churning!

  2. So, Stu, who is this guy “God,” that you seem to have a great relationship with? Heck – you’re even on a first name basis with Him! LoL.

    BTW – you forgot to mention another miracle….the Inquirer has finally moved two of their female columnists from the Regional Section (B) to the Op-Ed pages starting January 2022. This is where they should have been for the last 10-15 years. (Little) miracles never cease!

      1. Stu – I’m a little confused on your comment regarding the Inqy change. I understand what you say about having no more Metro columnists there now, but the way these two women wrote, it was almost all political and opinion – which I thought belonged on an Op-Ed page, not under Metro.

  3. Good stuff Stu.
    Reminds me of Bishop Fulton J. Sheen’s humor.
    If only we all had a healthy sense of it and could laugh at ourselves.

  4. God made man in His image. If man has a sense of humor, then God has one too, since He made us. And your piece shows He did a good job with it.

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