God is here, and he’s listening

Continuing a tradition of Your Favorite Columnist having an annual conversation with God, sort of like Moses.

YFC: Well, you really did it this time.

God: What are you talking about?

YFC: Coronavirus, COVID-19, don’t play dumb. It’s a worldwide pandemic killing more people than a world war.

God: Cool your jets, Sonny. I’m not responsible for everything that happens.

YFC: First, don’t call me Sonny. Second, you’re the All Knowing and you’re not responsible?

God: Knowing doesn’t mean acting. Things happen outside my control. Like the Nationals winning the World Series. You think I did that, like a screwball revival of “Damn Yankees”? 

YFC: I love Broadway references.

God: I know. But Ray Walston was miscast as the devil. I would have gone with Vincent Price.

YFC: So now you’re a producer? Look, this is supposed to be a humor column, but the pandemic isn’t funny. Early on, I wondered out loud if it was a plague from God, because of our bad behavior.

God: No. And yes.

YFC: What does that mean?

God: It wasn’t a God-sent plague, but you have been acting badly.

YFC: How?

God: Donald J. Trump, the chazer.

YFC: The what?

God: That’s Hebrew for pig.

YFC: You speak Hebrew?

God: Whaddya think, Sonny?

YFC: Don’t call me Sonny.

God: Whatever.

YFC: We are going to remember 2020 with less affection than 1929, when the stock market crashed.

God: How’s it performing today? Through the roof. How’s your 401(k)? Can we get a little love here?

YFC: Oh, that you take credit for?

God: It’s me, Trump or Santa. Your choice.

YFC: I’ll take Santa. He’s having a rough season. You ever try to get a blue surgical mask over a beard that big?

God: I’ve got a beard, but I don’t wear a mask.

YFC: You don’t?

God: I’m God for God’s sake. The Eternal. You think a virus can kill God? I mean, I have a little problem with impacted anal glands, but. . . .

YFC: Whoa — TMI! How about making the virus vanish?

God: Done. Don’t you read the papers? We got vaccines!

YFC: You know, I was kind of hoping for a Moses parting the Red Sea, Jesus feeding the masses, Buddha making stress evaporate. You know, wave your hand and make it disappear.

God: I’d like to see that myself. Look — these ain’t Biblical times. People don’t believe like that so you won’t get miracles like that. Capeesh?

YFC: Let’s change the subject. Want to talk politics?

God: Biden bores me, and if I hear one more time Kamala is the first woman, the first  Black, the first Asian to be vice president, I’ll spit. Basta! You know, Joe is the second  Irish Catholic to be president. Let’s hear about that! Slainte! 

YFC: Sports, let’s talk pro football.

God: Can we wait for Philly to get a pro team? 

YFC: That’s a cheap shot.

God: I wasn’t the one who called the Eagles the “Gold Standard.”

YFC: The Eagles went on to win the Super Bowl.

God: You can thank me.

YFC: What? You have the nerve to take credit for that?

God: Just kidding. It was Nick Foles. Nice kid, but kind of a one-trick pony. When do we see the Philly Special again?

YFC: What happened to the loving God I used to hear about?

God: Damn — I mean, Darn! You’re right. My lumbago’s acting up again, and the coronavirus. I took my eye off the ball, you know, like with all the hurricanes. I’m better than this. I can clean up my mistakes.

YFC: You sound like Carson Wentz. You gotta straighten out,, or we’re going back to the Golden Calf. 

God: I hear you, Sonny. Tell everyone Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.